No Real Topic

My Favorite Looney Toons Cartoon

2007-07-10T18:00:00.001-07:00

Playing Card Shot in Half

2007-06-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Who Wants to be Kidnapped?

2007-06-22T14:21:00.001-07:00

A Bunch of Jokes

2007-06-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Bumper Sticker#1: Cats make everything taste better. Bumper Sticker #2: My dog is smarter than your honor student. (Gray, Grand Canyon, MO)

There's no "us" in "team" either! (Bennett, NYC)

To err is human, to blame someone else shows good management skills. (Jordan, San Jose)

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshoper said, "You have a drink names Stanley?" (Courtney, Bryan)

Acronyms: PMS - Potential Murder Suspect (Travis, CA)

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Duct tape is like "The Force" - it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Travis, CA)

Why is it bad to play poker in the savanna? There might be a Cheetah. (Gary, CA)

My new workout plan is working - I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. To work at Starbucks, do you have to graduate Magnum Cum Latte? (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta)

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. (Louie, Guy Walks Into A Bar)

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (Victor, South Africa)

Oxymoron: Literal Interpretation (Billnes, ??)

WRONG LYRICS Merrilee Rush "Angel of the Morning" / "Just cash my check before you leave me" (Darrell, Kentucky)

Wow! You have got the most beautiful legs. When do they open? (Sanji, San Diego)

Bumper sticker: My gamer fragged your honor student! (Shaun, Lexington, AL)

Shortest books: Healthy Fast Food (insanetrombone, Crazyland)

God made man. Then God said, "I can do better," and there was woman. (Amanda, New York)

Sign on a Septic Tank Business -- We're #1 in the #2 business. (Scott, Illinois)

Money flies when you're having fun. (Victor, South Africa)

I love kids! Lets exchange recipes! Bumper Sticker: Squirrels - Nature's speed bumps. (Brandi, Huntsville)

Are board games supposed to make you bored? (Matt, Bridgeport)

Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (Brett Jones, Ohio)

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was in school, he was in a play about classical composers. The teacher asked him, "Would you like to be Mozart or Beethoven?" Arnold said, "I'll be Bach." (Jordan, San Jose)

For God's sake… why are you hanging around with atheists? (Dick, Savage, MN)

(bumper sticker) Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! (brett, ohio)

What do you call twin babies that are waiting to be born? Wombmates. (Tom, New Jersey)

How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency. (brett jones, coventry)

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. (Jordan, San Jose)

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks "olive or twist?" (Ric, Alice, TX)

This was reported in the New York Post - Headless Body Found in Topless Bar. (Larry, Headlines)

Insult: Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road. (Dewey Baker, Salem, Oregon)

Bumper Sticker: Stable Relationships are for Horses (Graham, Australia)

Daffynitions: Barbecue - A line of people waiting for a hair cut. Buoyant - A young male insect. Myth - A female moth. Will- A dead giveaway (Daniel C, Ipswich)

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor, after running a few tests, tells him, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimer's disease." The patient says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer." Another man goes up to a doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a pool ball." And the doctor says, "Get back to the end of the queue." (Erica, San Diego, CA)

Light bulb jokes: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? HEY, that's not funny! How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you should have seen the lightbulb! It was THIS big! How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? Three; one to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part, and one to say it won't be here until Thursday. How many rich kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None; if the lightbulb goes out Daddy buys them a new apartment. (Erica, San Diego, CA)

how many gt kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whell in astro nomic conitions many phaamones are used but if many geonomes etc ...translation: 1. [editor's note: Uh....OK?!] (kyle, nj)

How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? (Victor, South Africa)

Oxymoron: Country Music (Cute Kate, SoCal)

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open!! (Evets, Ontario Canada)

I am too young to be old. (Victor Kalbskopf, South Africa)

Bumper stickers: "Custer wore an Arrow shirt." "The winner of a rat race is still a rat." (Jake, Colorado)

Q:How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? A: Ask him for his autograph. Ouch! (Ward, State)

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. (Jake M., Ohio)

My dyslexic friend said he liked "101 Dalmatians", and he learned a lot about the dog breed but he thought his instructor was a little tough. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)

Bumper Sticker: IF YOU OBSERVE THIS VEHICLE BEING OPERATED IN AN UNSAFE MANNER, PLEASE TRY TO THINK OF IT AS ONE MORE ANOMALY IN THE COSMIC ORDER. (Clement Anthony, Dumfries, USA)

A man was examined at a hospital and is now waiting for the doctor's results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news, you're going to die in 10." "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks? Days?" The doctor says, "9..8..7..6..5.." (Ben, Hyrule)

You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God you're right! I never would've thought of that!" (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

To err is human, to moo bovine. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

Animal testing is a bad idea, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

A buddist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The vendor says, "That's $2.50." The monk gives him $5.00, and says, "Where's the change?" The vendor says, "Change must come from within." (Steve, Ontario, Canada)

What do you call a backwards looking monkey? Just look in the mirror! (Kiara, Hell)

Bumper sticker: Jesus is coming. Look busy! (Buddy, ??)

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes? Who was the first to see a cow and think, "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" What's the speed of dark? (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)

Her family came from the ugly tree and unfortunately she hit every branch on the way down! (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)

Cruise Lines: Newlyweds, Over-feds, and nearly deads! (Jaime, Nebraska)

Pickup Line - If I were to ask you for a kiss, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? (Kelwin, United States)

If assh***s could fly this place would be an airport! (Philo, Peterborough, Ontario)

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)

Bumper Sticker: I Love Animals... They're Delicious (Ryan, New Zealand)

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Guy: "Well, what's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Guy: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I forgot to call you yesterday!" (Sarah, Georgia)

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't - there is a clock on the oven. (Shane, Somewherethatyoudon'tknowsothatyouwon'tbeatmeforthesejokes)

You can be daddy's little girl, and people think it's cute. But if you are mommy's little boy and you're 30 and live in the basement you're considered weird. Just say no to double standards. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

An advantage of being over 65: If you do something good you can show people your birth certificate, but if you mess up you can show people your birth certificate. (dsmeth, olds)

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy praticing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. (Tananda, Bumper Stickers)

The fact that no one understands you does NOT mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't care. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. You sound reasonable, it must be time to up my medication. (Victor, South Africa)

The last thing I need to worry about are my anxiety disorders! (Patrick, Atlanta, GA)

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor: "Make me one with everything." [editor's note: I love it!] (Carroll Brown, Ocala, Florida)

Bumper Sticker: Adjure Obfuscation (Betty, Texas)

If you are called by a telemarketer, claim that you are a telemarketer from a rival company and attempt to sell them something. (Curtis, Utica)

My wife and I have just taken life insurance policies on each other -now it is just a waiting game. We have 3 beautiful children. We actualy have 4 children but only 3 beautiful ones. (Victor, South Africa)

Could you play 'sole' music with a shoe horn? Put the magic back in your relationship: DISAPPEAR! When you sneeze,do all the numbers in your head go up by one? Can you find 'buck teeth' at the Dollar Store? (Charley, Edmonton, AB, Canada)

Why are wedding gowns white? So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator. What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag you? It means the rope is too long. [editor's note: These are Steve's jokes, not mine. Don't send me hate mail. ;^)] (Steve, Long Island, NY)

Florida: Newly wed or nearly dead. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)

Rumor has it Saddam didn't fit in his pine box. They measured him before instead of after. (D. Smeth, Olds, AB, Canada)

Oxymoron: Conservative movement (Larry, Desk)

People in metal houses shouldn't throw magnets. (Victor, South Africa)

Finally, after years of trying to reach the mind of a teenage son, the father - with his eyes full of love and satisfaction - says to his son, "Yes, son. You can listen to my Santana albums!" (M. Prouder, Nashville, TN)

PMS: Potential Murder Suspect (I, CUP)

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want? If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Since bread is square, then why is baloney round? Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas? When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh? Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more? Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Is sign language the same in languages other than English? Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? There is no "o" in number! Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? It would be more fun to eat thea big one! Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? (Shane, Diagonal in a parrallel universe)

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The shrink says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement! (Shane, North Pole)

If a cow and an igneous rock get married and decide to have kids, would they or would they not have 9 female cheesecakes? (Shane, North Pole)

Bumper sticker: I plan to live forever, so far so good! (Jake M, Ohio)

I have CDO disorder: it's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order (as it should be). (Jake M, Ohio)

Did you here about the cowardly dragon? He only preyed on weak knights. (Ellethom, Chicago)

Only in America do healthy people buy cigarettes in the front of the store, but sick people have to go all the way to the back to get their medicine! Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. (Imani, Massachusetts)

You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on your incubator! (Imani, Massachusetts)

Bumper Sticker: Honk if the twins fall out. (Will, Toronto)

Can you get cornered in a round room? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why do we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? (Shane, Somewhere over the Rainbow)

I only had two conversations with this guy who could talk your arm off, before I finally realized he was also trying to pull my leg. (Hop, Indy)

This is for the Bad Literature section: She waltzed around the ballroom with him for what seemed like hours as she gazed into his eyes falling madly in love with him and fantasizing about how glorious their life would be if they were husband and wife, and then she winced as the sharp heel of his black leather boot landed squarely on her toe and she realized that it just wasn’t going to work out between them. (Joan, America)

Strangely the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer in the slow-motion replay! (Shane, Newfoundland)

Did you hear about the new German/Chinese restaurant? The food is great but in an hour you're hungry again..for power. (Rick, Canada)

For Pickup Lines: Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants. Are your pants from outerspace, or is your butt just out of this world? (Amanda, Pittsburgh)

He could kill himself by jumping from his shoe size to his IQ. (Sylvia Van Wyck, Belgium)

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... (Shane, Greenland)

Wrong Lyrics: For Tina Turner's 'Steamy Windows' song I thought it was about some guy named Stevie Wigno. It was on the radio all the time when I was a kid and I hated it. I asked my family, "Who the hell cares about Stevie Wigno anyways?" They've made fun of me ever since. (Lia, Ontario)

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? "Cute as a button" - Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? (Shane, Polar Regions)

Golden, ripe, boneless bananas; 27 cents a pound! (Shane, North Pole)

(This is for the state-motto section) Arkansas: Literasy Ain't Everthang (Shane, North Pole)

Constipated people don't give a crap! (Shane, North Pole)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 119 of them will slip you into a coma. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? 2: 1 to drop it and 1 to say "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up". (Connor, Oregon)

Have you ever noticed that there are neither Hs nor Os in "water"? (Lex, MD)

Somewhere along the line, I think something got genetically messed up. (Shane, North Pole)

This is a quote (I've been told by my father, who is a reliable source) from Yogi Berra: Yogi is bumped into by a man moving a grandfather clock. The man says, "I'm sorry." Yogi says to him, "Why can't you just wear a watch like everybody else?" (MKNZ, Vero Beach)

Why is it that every time I try to tell a lengthy joke, I end up screwing it up? (Shane, North Pole)

How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke 'em on. (Gary, CA)

How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey guys, I finally found the recipes for egg salad! (Shane, North Pole)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who prays to Santa? (Jake Moon, Ohio)

Elevator fun: Sit inside with a desk, pen holder, a few folders and a telephone. Whenever someone walks in ask them if they have an appointment. [editor's note: this would take a LOT of preparation, but good!] (Shoaib, UK)

Some people look at a beer as half gone or half full. I think who the hell's been drinking my beer. (Jeff, Okanogan)

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar, all drinking beers. 3 flies come in and land right in each beer. The Scottish man drinks the beer and the fly. The English man takes out the fly, flicks it away, and drinks the beer. The irish man takes out the fly and screams, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!" (Matt the Phat, Bridgeport)

A very religious man falls into quicksand. Some firefighters come by and offer a helping hand, but he says: "No thanks, God will help me." Twice again they come by and he refuses their help. He then sinks to his death. In heaven, he angrily asks God why he didn't save him, but God says, "What about those firefighters I sent three times?" (Patrick, Montreal)

I know it is not a genuine new joke : Beauty*Wit*Availability=k where k is a constant always equal to zero. (Patrick, Montreal)

For Daffynitions: Naggravator: the person in the passenger seat who's having trouble reading the directions or map. Also - anyone who's helping to drive, but not actually behind the wheel. (Michele T., Pennsylvania)

Why did Superman take his dog for a walk? Because it had sore legs! (EGG, Sydney, Australia)

Pickup line: Did you just fart? Because you blew me away. (Meg, Colorado)

This one is true - The Southwest Airlines flight attendant said this as the plane stopped and the door was opened: "Okay, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday: 'GET OUTTA HERE!'" (Fred, San Antonio)

Bumper Sticker: I had the right to remain silent but I didn't have the ability. (Kenneth Dockery, Florida)

A young man had a job for the local village of ringing the tower bell everyday at noon. He got sick one morning and called his twin brother to ring it for him. His twin brother said he didn't know how. "It is easy, just push the bell straight out and move out of the way." The brother climbed up into the tower, and pushed the bell at noon just like he was told, but he forgot to move out of the way. When the bell came back it hit him right in the face and knocked him out of the tower to the ground. Two villagers came up. One says, "I'm not sure who that is, but his face rings a bell." The other says, "He's a dead ringer for his brother." (Hop, Indy)

Last night I dreamed I wrote 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realized I'd just been Tolkien in my sleep. (LOLOMFGFunnay!, The Internets)

Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station. (Robert, Champion, OH)

Did you hear about the dyslexic cook that made me a tender lion? (Hop, Indy)

World's Shortest Books: How to Find and Capture Osama Bin Laden, by Every Government Agency (VV, Look Around)

One of the Shortest Books: Motherhood by Britney Spears (Keith, Valdosta, GA)

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him...a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (Colleen, Windsor, Connecticut)

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. (Cid, Here)

A man decides that he is lonely and would like to have a pet. So he goes down to the pet store, but he doesn't really see anything he likes. The store owner suggests to the man that he get one of their new talking centipedes. The man gets one and goes home. The next day, the man gets ready for church, and says into the centipede's box, "I am going to church, would you like to go with me?" No answer - "Of course it doesn't really talk," the man thought. He tried this again, this time yelling into the box. Still no answer. The third time he shouted louder. This time the centipede answered! He said, "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!" (Michelle, Williamstown, KY)

Laughter is the best medicine, and your face is curing the world! (Matthew, Bridgeport)

The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. (Matt, Bridgeport)

You can only make the mistake of petting a shark twice. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

A frog walks into a bank. He needs a loan, so he walks up to the teller whose name is Miss Patty Wak. He asks for the loan and she says, "You're a frog! I can't give you a loan." The frog replies, "But my dad is Mick Jagger! You have to give me this loan!" Patty says,"OK, but I need a collateral in order to give you any money at all." "Here," the frog says, "I have this miniature statue of the Eiffel Tower. That'll work, right?" "I'll have to ask my boss," Patty says. Patty asks her boss, "He says his dad is Mick Jagger, and he gave me this little statue for collateral? What should I do?" So her boss quickly responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!" (Hector, Miami)

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." [editor's note: EXCELLENT pun!] (Wayfarer, Malaysia)

I recently tried some organic foods - the first item on my list was barbecue sauce. It was certified organic, and on the label it lists all the ingredients and there is a star next to all the ingredents that are organic. Water was the first ingredient, but it did not have the organic star. That scares me just a little bit. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

Shortest Book: Jewish Sports Legends (Larry the K, Here)

Syndrome: committing wrongdoing in the Vatican City. (Jeff Dudley, Tennessee)

What do you tell a atheist when he sneezes? (Mike Jurdhen, WSuuhhHHH)

If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test? (Sam, Colorado)

Acupuncture isn't all that crazy a thing to try - it's pretty logical if you think about it. "Yeah, that needle in my eye totally made me forget about the pain in my arm." (Shea, Texas)

Some see the glass as half empty, others as half full. I just see the glass as too big!! In Africa, when a lion escapes from the circus, how do they know when they've caught the right one? I met a woman named 'Viamonte.' I said, "Wow! You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)

Would lactose intolerant people have to go to the "Non-Dairy Queen"? For those T-shirts that say "Guess" on the front, I think they should print the answers on the back. Can midgets be paid under the table? Do imaginary people have 'real' friends? It's time to diet if your car's seat belts have stretch marks. Would a police van loaded with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)

Daffynitions - Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way. (Bob Z., Sauk Village, IL.)

I tried to build a dog house the other day, but I only had enough dogs to build three walls [editor's note: Excellent! Best joke in months!] (Bennett, NY)

What's the point of mint-flavored dental floss? The only thing I ever taste when I floss is blood and chicken. (Bennett, NY)

A liquor salesman decides to retire after 35 years and move to the wilds of Alaska. He buys a cabin 60 miles from town and goes there once a month to get his mail and groceries. One day there's a knock on the door, opening it he sees a 6 foot 6, 285 pound man with a beard down to his belly. The man says, "Hi, my name is Lars. I'm your neighbor and I live 40 miles from here and I want to invite you to my Christmas party this Friday." The salesman says, "I'd love to go." Lars explains,"I've got to warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting and for sure some wild sex." The salesman replies, "I'm used to liquor, I get along well with people and some wild sex sounds pretty good about know." As Lars turns to leave, the salesman asks, "Hey, Lars, what should I wear?" Lars smiles and says, " It don't matter, it's just going to be you and me." (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)

If you get ' Mono' twice, isn't that 'Stereo'? Are 'trans fats' regular fats that like to dress like a woman? Can bald people get a hairline fracture? If life's 'ups and downs' bother you, get off the elevator. I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was just a small fire! (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)

Don't drink and drive: Pull over, drink, then drive (repeat as needed). (Scott, Texas)

What did one hungry computer say to the other? I can sure go for a byte! (Gary, CA)

If the Italian mafia was responsible for spam, then I know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is. He is quite delicious! (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

I used to be a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I worked at a frozen-food factory once and I got fresh one day so they canned me. (Johnnie, Trenton, NJ)

I'm always looking for the first sign of the apocalypse, but I can't read so I hope they have pictures. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

I like Fruit Loops because fruit tastes better in little circles. My Frosted Flakes melted in the summer. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first! What's happened to the education system? When I pass a school zone there are signs that say "Drive carefully - slow children! How do you write zero in Roman numerals? Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives? Why is it called Rush Hour when you don't move? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

Did you hear about the man who stole the clock? He is doing time for it. (Sonia/Subin, Sung)

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself. (Sonia, Sung)

Why do they call it a building if it's already built? (Ben, Sandwich Island)

How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it, so when a polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole! (Ireland, Utah)

Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. Above all else - SKY (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first? The blonde - she drowns in the emo kid's tears. (Me, Australia)

I told my girlfriend I loved her so much that I would go through hell for her. Now we are married. (Kartik, New Delhi)

If a sweat shop makes sweat pants but nobody was around to sweat, does that mean Jesus didn't exist? [editor's note: maybe this belongs in the "Huh?" section.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

How many weeks are there in a light year? How do you get off a nonstop flight? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? How do blind people know when they're done wiping? One nice thing about Egotists; they don't talk about other people. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?? [editor's note: Evets comes through with some good ones! E-mail me, please, Evets!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

Light travels faster than sound; that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

I've been sober for about 296 days now. Not in order, of course. (Lykez, OMG)

I told my parents I wanted to be a stand-up comedian and they laughed in my face. A police officer pulled me over and asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Man, you should really ask a psychic" (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach, FL)

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire! When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Evets, Ontario Canada)

The 'Moral Majority' is neither. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)

My drinking team has a bowling problem. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us might have never been born. (Levi, Lyons)

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's sign off the top. (Jen'fer, Michigan)

I wanted to buy a ball but I was short on cash so I asked the salesman, "How much without the air?" I bought brown underwear so that when I get really scared people won't notice. I got fired from my job as a tour guide for saying things like, "If you look to the left you're gullible" and "if you look to the right you'll miss whatever's going on at the right." I punched a wall, it yelled "ouch!" I got tired of treasure hunting all day so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". I got run over by an ambulance, thank God. (Kyle, Philippines)

I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. (S. Kennedy, Poulsbo, WA)

There are three things that prove Jesus might be a Californian. - He never cut his hair, He walked around barefoot, and He started a new religion. There are also three things that might prove that Jesus was a woman - He fed 5000 men with no notice and no food, He tried to talk to men but they didn't understand, and even when he was dead he had to get up because there was work to do. (Stephen, Florida)

Did you hear about the electrician on the ship? It ran aground. I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them I'm psychic. If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll all be in a jam. (Hop, Indy)

Did you year about the two maggots making love in dead Ernest? (papadog65, Lakewood, WA)

What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. What's green and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise. (Ghost, New Zealand)

After having his car stereo stolen more then 4 times, a young man got fed up and wrote "NO CAR STEREO," and left it under his passenger windshield wiper when parking. Upon returning to his car, he noticed his note was moved. He went inside his car, looked behind the note, and on the "NO CAR STEREO" note it said, "JUST CHECKING" (Gary, CA)

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. I told a hyena some of my jokes, he stopped laughing. I needed some explosives so I went dynamite fishing. My friend asked me, "What do you drive?" I said, "I drive my parents crazy." I lost 40 pounds. I'm still looking for it. My car brakes weren't working so I bought an anchor. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy - I'd rather shout than own a cellphone. I had to cancel my plans for building a fireworks factory because the only spot left was next to a zippo factory. (Kyle, Philippines)

if vampires have no reflection,how come they have such neat hair? Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them! He who laughs last thinks the slowest! When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't! I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory! It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. A cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the cost of living. [editor's note: more good ones!] (Evets, Ontario Canada)

the pepole on this site joker r so bad well i dont evin need 2 make a joke look at thim there the punch line [editor's note: No editing done on this one, obviously!] (sam worthinton, mansfild ohio)

I saw a chicken crossing the road and decided to ask him what the point was. He said, "I'll tell you if you say why you are talking to a chicken?" O I said, "Good point!" My friend has a problem with marijuana: Tthe weather man said there would be a flash flood and to get to higher ground, he went to my school's bottom stairwell. I whistled in a lake and a dogfish came. Frogs aren't endangered because of pollution - it's that damn fifth leg that gets in the way. My math class is so boring I made a full length film on my calculator, I got an A+. I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, and they were out - what the hell? (Schmidty, MN)

To relieve stress hire someone to massage it. I'm a recovering alchoholic - once my beer belly is gone (and I can stand up again) I'm getting me another bottle. I feel sorry for the 701st guy who wanted to join the 700 club. My car likes to chase it's tailpipe. If I'm about to be executed I want my last meal to be drive-thru. I remember being in my mother's womb - I wrote "Kyle was here". My friend asked me, "What do you do?" I said, "I work in a toy factory." He said, "How much do you make?" I said, "About 10 toys a day." I enrolled for self-defense just in case I want to kill myself. [editor's note: Kyle strikes again!] (Kyle, Philippines)

A man walks into a bar with a Rhino. The man and the rhino proceed to get drunk. Eventually, the rhino collapses on the floor and passes out. The bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man yells out, "It's not a lion, it's a rhino!" (Gary, CA)

The indians of a local tribe asked their chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief didn't know so he said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." Being a good chief, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" The guy said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." The chief then tells his tribe to gather more wood as its going to be a cold winter. The chief calls the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a REALLY cold winter?" The guys said, "Yes, its going to be cold." The chief then tells his tribe to pick up the wood gathering process and calls the National Weather Service and asks, "Is it going to be a REALLY REALLY cold winter? The guy says, "Yes. The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." [editor's note: Whew!] (Miso, Happy)

How come outlets are electrical and inlets are geographical? The platypus was created by God when he was a teenager and experimenting with drugs. That is also when he created lawyers and mother-in-laws. You can tell Saturn is the richest planet because of all its rings. In other news, a small country in Asia is first to elect a monkey as president. The U.S. replies, "We did that first." [editor's note: Giving Kyle some competition! Kyle and Schmidty: PLEASE E-MAIL ME. Let's get you guys your own page!] (Schmidty, MN)

If a mime trips in a forest and no one is around to not hear it, is he still silent? (Schmidty, MN)

I joined a secret club - I went to a meeting and the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I said, "I don't know - aren't you supposed to know that?" I think people kick other people because they can't afford a ball. I think medals are overrated but that's just me being a sore loser. I think bears are cute until the moment of attack. Life begins when you're born and ends with an "E". I have a split personality - my other self is an insomniac so I have to sleep with one eye open. I gave my niece 10 bucks. The next day I remembered I didn't have a niece. I went to an art gallery and I saw a Van Gogh - it was really fast. (Kyle, Philippines)

I want to open a sports drink company and call it Human-ade, cause gators never get thristy. Well, I suppose they could, but the way they show it is by biting you in the neck and spinning around really fast. But by then it would be too late to get them a glass a water. [editor's note: Hmmmm. OK.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way. (CW, Margaritaville)

If Johnny cracked corn and no one cared, how come they wrote a song about him? (Robbie, LaLaLand)

What does an insomniac dyslexic atheist do at night? He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. (Auggie, PA)

Do you even look at these before you release them? It's your web site. You don't have to post every submission given to you. You're allowed to trash the ones that don't make any sense. Some of these are way too stupid. How about a little discrimination? [editor's note: I read each and every one of them. I am very discriminating - about half of the submissions don't make it on the site. I read your comments - and posted them too. Perhaps that WAS my error. ;^)] (Astro, Canada)

2 carrots are walking down the street. A car swerves off the road and runs one of them over. The ambulance takes the injured carrot to the hospital and his friend rides along. At the hospital, after a long wait, the doctor speaks with the uninjured carrot: "Your friend will live.... but he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life." (Ed, Levittown, PA)

An Irishman walks out of a bar... Hey, it COULD happen! (credit to My lovely rose) (Thorn, Atlanta, GA)

I had to catch a train so I wore a really big baseball glove. It's hard for me to write jokes - I have a lot of ideas, but I dont know how to write. I have a masters degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return it in 2 days. I saw a sign when I was walking that said "Warning: I may warn you about something". My phone was busted and I wanted to order some food so I went to the restaurant, I told them my order, then I went home and waited for it to be delivered. I bought a mansion the other day. It was on a monopoly board. I wonder how you make something invisible disappear? People are 75% water - how come when I fall down I don't make a splashing sound? I wonder how you water a power plant. I'm green minded but don't get me wrong I just love plants. I think it's about time we made bathrooms for birds to avoid any more accidents. [editor's note: Wow! Mitch Hedberg lives! Send more, Kyle!] (Kyle, Philippines)

I always find it hard to read a book in a movie theater. I'm afraid of heights so I really can't stand watching a basketball game. One time I was channel surfing and then I almost drowned. I think staying at home is the safest form of travel. One time, I wanted rice for dinner but didn't know where I can get any so I got married that afternoon. I couldn't afford a dog so I bought a fur coat instead. I go to a very prestigious university and every morning I mop the floors there. One time, I needed a haircut so I converted to buddhism. I have a semi-automatic oven.I have to check on it every 5 minutes just to see if its still running. (Kyle, Philippines)

Men are living proof that women can take a joke. (Alana Eckelberry, Alma, Kansas)

That guy was so ugly when he was a kid, his parents had to keep him in the closet and feed him with a slingshot! (Steven K. G., Pennsylvania)

Bumper Sticker: I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy (Steve, Colorado)

Bumper Sticker: In case of Rapture... can I have your car? (Ariana Moseley, New Mexico)

Political Science question: If Russia attacked Turkey in the rear, would Greece help? (Seedy, Washington)

"It's like shooting snipers in a barrel." (fourthgen, Huh?)

8 out of 10 cats we asked said "Meow!" (Mike, England)

Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Pink fluff holding its breath. (Mike, England)

Q: What's Pink And Fluffy? A: Pink Fluff (Mike, England)

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday! He was playing "On the Road Again". (Jessica, Chicago, IL)

Why do they call the change of life menopause? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (Hemi, Sydney, Australia)

Palindrome Submission: I, Madam! I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I? (Scott, Nova Scotia)

To have someone else's wife is a crime; to have one of your own is punishment! (Alyona, The ICT)

What does Snoop-Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-otch. (Madge, Milwaukee)

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the Batmobile." [editor's note: a classic!] (Wade, Blackpool England)

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out playing golf. Moses is up first. He hits his ball and it lands right in the middle of a water trap. So Moses walks over to the water trap, parts the water and hits his ball onto the green. Next is Jesus. He hits the ball and it lands on a lilypad. So Jesus walks on the water to the lilypad and hits it onto the green. Lastly is the old man. He hits his ball up high. As it begins to fall into the water trap, a frog jumps out and swallows it. Then an eagle swoops down and catches the frog. Finally as the eagle takes the frog away, it flies over the green, the frog spits the ball out and it lands for a hole in one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your Father." (Chris, CA)

What has 6 wheels and flies? A trash truck. (Chris, CA)

Nobody's perfect so i'm changin' ma name to nobody. (Fuzzywozzy, Mars)

Why was the garbage bag smiling? Because it was Glad. (Justin Johnson, Elk River, MN)

Proverb: Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life! (Mike, 20 mi S/SE of the middle of nowhere.)

Two buckets of vomit are walking down the street. One of them points at a bit of ground and says "See there? That's where I was brought up". (Piemann, Glasgow)

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam. (Madge, Milwaukee)

Why are pirates so great? They just arrrrrrrrrrr. (Dan, England)

One night George W. Bush could not sleep, and George Washington suddenly appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Washington, tell how to help my people!" Bush said. "Never tell a lie!" Washington replied. The next night W still couldn't sleep when suddenly Thomas Jefferson appeared. "Please Mr. Jefferson, tell me how to help my people!" Bush said. "Try to do what's best for them!" Jefferson replied. The next night Bush still couldn't sleep, and Abraham Lincoln appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Lincoln - tell me how to help my people!" Bush asked. "Go to the theater." Lincoln replied. (Adeline, New York)

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. The officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?" The Scot replies, "No, I didn't realize you still needed one to get in!" (James, England)

How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. (James, England)

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiiiing." (James, England)

A woman woke her husband one night and said, "There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!" "Oh dear," said her husband. "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?" (James, England)

What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets towed away! (Derek, Australia)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry a umbrella? Fo' Drizzle! (Gary, CA)

I love comic books. If I could have any super power, I would pick the super power that can pick any super, and I would own the X-men, cause they never lose. I would like divide into 50, then control the X-men's mind, while I'm on a remote beach sipping Coronas. And when I get bored, I'll eat the planet. Then I'd go back in time for seconds, cause planets are delicious. Especially the the red ones. [editor's note: Huh?] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)

Sign on a shop: We can repair anything! (Knock hard, bell broken) (A. Nonny Mus, In your computer screen)

Have you heard that the priests can kiss the nuns now? It's true, just as long as they don't get in the habit. (Shar, Minneapolis)

How do you know if you've been on a roll? There's butter on the back of your pants! (Berg, Pearsall)

Two grains of sand are in a desert. One turns to the other and says, "Crowded here, isn't it?" (A. Nonny Mus, In your cupboard)

There was a lady who was obsessed with pink. Her house was pink, her clothes were pink, her tables, wallpaper, bed, sheets, shoes, plates, and backyard were all pink. Everything she owned was pink! One night the pink doorbell rang. She got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door and found a tramp standing there. He said, "I seek hospitality, nobody else would take me in." She replied, "There's three spare rooms, pick one." Then the tramp went off. Later that night the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door, and found another tramp there. The tramp asked asked for shelter as well, and took the second spare room. Later that night, the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. Another tramp was standing there, and asked the same thing. He took the last spare room. In the morning, the pink lady was making breakfast. She asked the tramps what they wanted to eat. The first tramp wanted cornflakes. The second wanted Fruit Loops and the third wanted cornflakes. The moral of this story: People like cornflakes more than Fruit Loops. (A. Nonny Mus, Behind you)

Sometimes diapers and politicians have to be changed— and for the same reason. (Ted Bache, California)

ertuuterutut0erut tuerut089erure09ut er0!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [editor's note: This is just how it came in, folks. Sometimes you gotta use your imagination.] (rtihyi, bert)

Oxymoron - Woman Driver (Chri$, Scotland)

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (PTA, Work)

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change...? (John D., Millville, MA.)

How many Paris Hiltons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She grabs hold, and the world revolves around her. (Daniel K, Mishawaka)

What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (Jake M., Ohio)

What's big, grey and can't climb trees? A parking lot. (Mike O'Rourke, England)

Where do pirates like to get gas? ARRRRRRRRCO (Gary, CA)

(In honor of Henny Youngman) I asked my wife for some hot lovin' - she told me to buy a hand warmer. (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)

Without geometry, life is pointless. (Ryan Mazonis, Auckland, New Zealand)

An out-of-towner takes a cab in New York and, sure enough, a man of a certain ethnicity is driving it. The cabbie drives straight through the first red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights - and neither do my four brothers!" He then proceeds to drive straight through the second red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights and neither do my four brothers!" Next they hit a green light - and the cab comes to a screeching halt. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie turns around and explains "You never know when one of my brothers is coming thru the red light!" (Shashi Malladi, Woodbridge, New Jersey)

"Practice makes perfect", but no one's perfect - so why practice? (Beenish, Lahore, Pakistan)

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little hoarse! (Joey, California)

How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll do it later. (Charlie, GA)

Rose are red Violets are blue I’m schizophrenic And so am I (Astro, Ontario)

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (Trent, UT)

Why are lawyers buried 8 feet down instead of 6 feet like everyone else? Deep down, they're really nice guys. (David, CA)

What do you call a pig rolling down a hill? Pork Roll (Krista, Easton PA)

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack (Jake M, Ohio)

Bubba got pulled over by the cops. "Let's see your license," says the cop. "Ain't got one," says Bubba. "Do you have any I.D.?" asks the cop. "About what?" says Bubba. (Jim M, Arkansas)

Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet! (Nate, US)

What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall [editor's note: Boo! But funny!] (Jake M, Ohio)

How many George W. Bushes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, first of all the lightbulb did nothing wrong. Why do you hate freedom? [editor's note: VERY good!] (Jake M., Ohio)

Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime? (Jake M, Ohio)

Did you read the news article about the whale? Well, save your time, it blows! (Gary, CA)

There was once a mystical land far away where there was a lever. If you pulled the lever, then the world would end. One day there was a snake named Nate walking along the road, near where the lever was. Nate was highly regarded. A truck driver whose truck had bad brakes came along the road. Nate was there, and the lever was there. The truck driver had to hit one of them. At the last second, he turned and hit Nate, saving the rest of the world. Moral of the story: better Nate than Lever. [editor's note: EXCELLENT!] (Tom, Michigan)

A man of a certain ethnicity finds an old bottle while walking on the beach. He picks it up, and as he's rubbing the sand off of it, a genie pops out. "Well," said the genie, "since you let me out of here, it is my job to grant you three wishes. What would you like for your first wish?" The man thought for a few minutes, and then looked at the genie and said, "I'd like a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry." POOF! A bottle of whiskey appeared in the man's hand. He took several large swigs, and the bottle remained full. "Wow," said the man, "that's really neat! I'll take two more!" (Echostein, Iowa)

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "That will be $2. Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." [editor's note: many people know this joke when the duck buys a condom] (Tony, Kansas)

How come you never see the headline PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY? (Evets, Ontario Canada)

If swimming is so good for your figure, please explain whales! (Evets, Ontario Canada)

Did you hear the joke about the vacuum cleaner? Actually, you don't want to, it sucks. (Scott, Wisconsin)

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Pdiddler, CA)

Knock Knock! Who's There? A dumb burglar. (Mark, Texas)

Proverb: If you give a man a fish he can eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will buy a boat and spend the whole day on the lake drinking beer with his idiot buddies. (Mike C, Aurora, IL)

10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizophrenic. (Stephen White, Headlines)

Books you'll never see: "The Most Beautiful Sunsets" - by Helen Keller. "How to Lead a Team to the World Series" - by Barry Bonds. "Ultimate Guide to Acting" - By Keanu Reeves. (Mom, Nowhere)

Why haven't women been to the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning. Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the stove. Why are women's feet smaller then men's? So they can stand closer to the sink. [editor's note: I didn't write these, really. Don't get mad at me!] (Mom, Earth)

The other day my son was asking me about my first car, "What was your first car, Dad?" "It was a '67 bug" "A bug? What's a bug?" He didn't know what a bug was, so then he says, "What did it have under the hood?" I say, "A tire!" They knew how to make them back then. (Mom, A closet)

What do get when you cross Bam-Bam with a ghost? Bamboo (Gary, CA)

What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. (Gary, CA)

What's brown and sticky? A stick. ( Gary, CA)

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A stick. (Tom, Michigan)

What's a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

A giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and calls out, "High balls are on me!" (PK, Pahonix)

A guy rushes into a bar. He tells the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of the finest scotch you have!" The bartender sets up ten shot glasses, and the guy puts them down as fast as he's pouring them. The bartender says, "Whoa, pal! That's some serious drinking there!" "You'd drink like this, too, if you had what I have." The barkeep asks, "Really? What do you have?" "Seventy-five cents." (PK, Pahonix)

A blind man was terminating his relationship with his girlfriend. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore!" (Gerry, UK)

What do you do when you start seeing a flying dog eating dinner with a baboon? Stop drinking. (Gary, CA)

An eight-year old is talking to his dad and asks him, "Dad - if you hit the lottery, what would you do?" Dad replies, "Ah yes, Paris, champagne, many beautiful women." "And what if you don't hit the lottery?" "Football, beer, and your mom!" (Noe G., Mascotte, FL)

What do you do if you see a Spaceman? Park, Man! (Nyte, London)

After completing his electrical apprenticeship, a young First Nations fellow returns to his reservation with a desire to use his new skills to do something nice for his people. At the entrance to the reservation, there is a massive log arch topped at the center with a huge moose skull and antlers. Our friend gazes up at this and says aloud, "I'm gonna run some colored Christmas lights up there." So he does this - and becomes the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation. [editor's note: Fantastic!] (Bison Milker, British Columbia)

Can cross-eyed school teachers control their pupils? (Sullikr, Anytown USA)

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts! (Rebecca, Saba Island, Caribbean)

What is Postman Pat called after he retires? Pat. [editor's note: I like this. I don't know why, but I do.] (Pat, Anywhere)

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa????? [editor's note: I don't know why I like this one, but I sure do!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

What goes around a button? A billygoat. (Dermy, Bethlehem, PA)

How does a first violinist change a lightbulb? He holds it still while the world revolves around him. [editor's note: Obviously LM is a second violinist!] (LM, Portland, OR)

How many juvenile delinquents does it take to change a light bulb? "&#@$ you!" (Laura, formerly of St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)

Customer: "Hey - do you have Peter Stuyvesant in a small box?" Cashier: "Yes, we do." Customer: "Well let him out or he'll suffocate!" (Guttersludge, Cape Town (RSA))

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (The Dude, Paradise)

A duck walks into a convenience store. It waddles up to the counter and asks, "Ya got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Nope, we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." So the duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" Again, the clerk says, "Look, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." The duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back again, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Look here duck, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store. Now if you ask again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves once again. The next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any nails?" The clerk says, "No, we don't have any nails." So the duck says, "Okay then, got any duck food?" (T. James, Manitoba, Canada)

Two bananas are sitting along the shore of a river and a turd floats by. The turd says, "Hey guys jump in! The water is warm." One of the bananas leans over to the other and says, "Do you believe this crap?" (Zak Jungers, Morton, IL)

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (Jesterr, Niagara Falls)

Q: Whadya call a man with banana stuck in each ear? A: Anything you like! He can't hear you! (ba-boom!) ------------------ Thanks for a lovely site. I'll be back, if you'll have me. [editor's note: first time a nice compliment came with a fine joke. Thanks, Barrie!] (Barrie Davis, Guildford, UK)

George Bush Jr., George Bush Sr., and Laura Bush are sitting on a plane. George Bush Jr says, "I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make somebody happy." Then Laura Bush says, "I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Then George Bush Sr, says "I could throw one hundred ones out the window and make one hundred people happy." The pilot turns around and says, "I could throw all three of you out and make everybody happy." (Pappy, California)

Never argue with a woman. Even if you win, she'll make sure you don't enjoy it. (Z, Las Vegas)

The pilot has just finished his little speech but forgot to turn of the micro: "Well, now I'm gonna have myself a Brandy and a cigar and then I'll hit on the new flight attendant." The mentioned flight attendant starts running towards the front cabin but an elderly woman stops her halfway trough: "Wait, dear, you don't have to hurry. He'll first have the Brandy and the cigar." (Phil, New York)

Two Irishmen are in a lifeboat with no hope of rescue. One of them finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie, ready to grant them one wish. One jumps up and shouts, "I wish the ocean were made of Guinness!" *POOF* They're floating in a beer ocean, and the genie disappears. The other Irishman looks at the first and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!" (Starfish, CA)

What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T? A teapot. (Gary, CA)

How many penguins does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, penguins never change light bulbs! (Joby, India)

How do you drown a Blonde? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. (Richie Kammer, Washington)

I learned something new today, our town's death rate is one per person. (Wilbur Hart, Clements, CA)

Customer: This coffee tastes like dirt! Waiter: That's odd, it was ground this morning. [editor's note: A classic. Thanks, Pam!] (Pam Olson, Bakersfield, CA)

Paddy and Murphy are walking down a street. Paddy falls down a hole so Murphy asks, "Is it dark down there?". Paddy replies, "I don't know, I can't see." [editor's note: this is a fine joke!] (Jake D, England)

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (Sam Hight, New Zealand)

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they like to cry in the dark. (Walrus, California)

Flight Attendant: "Sorry it is taking so long to take off. It isn't our planes' fault, frankly it's the asphalt." (Andrew, Washington)

Why do men fish? They just do it for the halibut. (Borys T, Alberta, Canada)

What's the difference between a red light and a green light? The color. (Munkey?, Look Behind You)

Another for the "insults" page: "He's not running on all thrusters" (I got that from one of the older Star Trek movies) (Tom Meyers, Mt. Prospect, IL)

Co - Pilot: "Gee, Skip, look down there - those people look like ants!" Pilot: "They are ants, kid - we haven't taken off yet." (Steve Utting, United Kingdom)

The most important piece of advice I'm giving to my son is: When you and your new bride go furniture shopping, YOU pick the couch. You'll be thankful later. (Sunit, Winter Haven, FL)

Women's Rights! [editor's note: I assume this is meant to be an oxymoron.] (Tina Web, Vernon, NJ)

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? One writes the action plan, all the others arrange a symposium called "Coping with darkness." (Harry, Balham, London)

How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't you worry yourself, I'll just sit here on my own in the dark. (Harry, Balham, London)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." [editor's note: Why do I think I've lost all the woman readers now?] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there. (Jesse, Pittsburgh)

These 2 (insert your favorite ethnicity here) men were walking thru Central Park in New York. They were both mugged and one of them has his ear cut off! After seeing the doctor, they returned to the park looking for the missing ear. One man said to the other, "I think this is your ear on the ground!" The other said, "It can't be, mine had a pencil behind it." (Larry, Holbrook, New York)

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb? Three, one to do it and two to say "You're looking huge, man, you're looking huge!" [editor's note: I can picture Hans and Franz doing this one...] (Larry, South Australia)

Yo mama so ugly the government moved halloween to her birthday. (VV, Unimportant)

When a telemarketer calls, or anyone calls, pick up the phone and whisper, "I missed you." [editor's note: Huh?] (Mandy, Grove City)

A guy goes into a McDonalds store 5 minutes before closing. He says, "Do you have any Big Macs left?" The girl says, "Sure, we've got lots." He says, "Well, it serves you right for cooking so many." (Paul Buckberry, Sydney, Australia)

A sign at a photo shop: "Have your kids shot while you wait." (John, Garfield, NJ)

A sign in a cafeteria reads: "Shoes are Required to Eat In The Cafeteria." Apparently, socks can eat whereever they want. (John, Garfield, NJ)

What's yellow and falls out of trees? Monkey vomit. [editor's note: this is just gross. Marginal humor, but I'll let it slide in - pun intended.] (Matt, Melb Australia)

On the path in life, i took I-95. Unluckily for me, there was a crash ahead and it's rush hour. [editor's note: Not too sure why this is funny, but funny is in the eye of the beholder.] (Stephen, Middleboro)

If life had brakes, I would have stopped a long time ago. (Stephen, Middleboro)

How many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, their wives do it. [editor's note: very good addition to the bulb jokes] (VV, Unknown)

A belge and teo americans are on a plane about to crash. One american says to the Belge "if you jump on a cloud you'll jump right back into the plane." The Belge didn't believe him so the american did it and bounced back in the plane. The Belge was convinced and jumped off the plane to his death. The other american turned to the one who jumped on the cloud and said "SUPERMAN YOU BASTARF" [editor's note: I included this as is, the joke is old, but the humor in this is in the delivery. I did not correct spelling - that's why I love it! BASTARF!] (vv, Unimportant)

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. (Lensky, One Liners)

How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? Wave (JP Baker, St.Louis, MO)

A guy goes into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." The guy says, "Wow, what's the worse news?" The doctor says, "You have cancer." The guy says, "Man, that's bad. What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's." The guy says, "Well at least I don't have cancer!" (Gary, California)

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. (Frank, Cleveland)

Dyslexics untie! (Frank, Cleveland)

Guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!!!" (Remedi, Phoenix, AZ)

Patient: "Doctor, I cant feel my legs!" Doctor: "That's because I've amputated your arms." (Nick, Bristol, UK)

Two turtles decided to go on a camping trip and also decided to bring a basket filled with beer and sandwiches. So the 2 turtles found a perfect spot near a river after walking for 5 days. The 2 turtles were about to eat when one turtle says to the other, "We forgot the bottle opener. One of us has to go back." The other turtle quickly responds, "I'm not going back. If I go, then you're gonna eat all the sandwiches!" The first turtle then replies, "No I won't. Just go." So the 2nd turtle starts to go back. After 2 weeks, the 2nd turtle never came back. The first turtle is so hungry, he decides to eat one of the sandwiches. When the first turtle starts to bite the sandwich, the 2nd turtle quickly yells from a rock, "Ah HAH! I knew you were gonna eat the sandwich!" (Gary, California)

There was a young magician who just got into the practice of magic. But he had a pet bird that would ruin his magic tricks. The bird would say, "There's a card under his sleeve." So one day, the magician and the bird were on a cruise ship. The cruise ship sank and out of all odds, the bird and the magician where in the same boat. After 2 days of awkward silence at sea, the bird finally says, "All right, what did you do with the boat?" [editor's note: Huh?] (Gary, California)

A man is driving along a freeway until he sees a lone indian. The man picks up the indian and they both drive in awkward silence. The indian sees a bag on the floor and asks, "What is that?" The man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The indian replies, "Good trade." [editor's note: a take off on an old Henny Youngman joke.] (Gary, California)

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How the heck do you drive this thing?" [editor's note: This is a great joke!] (Gary, California)

She's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and she tried to put it out with a screwdriver. [editor's note: this is a nasty joke. But still pretty good.] (Joel, Iowa)

How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes! [editor's note: I can't believe this isn't on the main "Bulb" page. Good catch, Bub!] (Bub, Los Angeles, CA)

Two guys walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it. [editor's note: surprised this wasn't on the main "bar" page!] (Mark Lee, Guy Walks Into a Bar)

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (Atom, Ionic City, Quark)

Why does a drummer keep his drum sticks on the dash of his car?? So he can park in handicapped spots. [editor's note: substitute your favorite group in this joke.] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)

Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!!! [editor's note: Good!] (Regina, Nome, Alaska)

Why do people love mushrooms? They are such fun guys! [editor's note: a classic] (Gary, California)

Why is an orange orange? So it can roll better. [editor's note: I like it!] (Peter, South Africa)

A drummer walks into a music store and decides to play another instrument. He walks up to the cashier and says, "I would like to buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "Oh, you must be a percussionist!" "How do you know?" "Because that's the radiator!" [editor's note: Pretty good, Atom!] (Atom, Ionic City ,Qark)

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small (two-seater) Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. [editor's note: Nice work, Jim! For you politically correct folks, please substitute any other ethnicity/religion/group where necessary.] (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)

Three guys who hated pasta were meeting at work. The first guy, Joe, opens his lunch to find spaghetti. The second guy, Jake, opens it to find ravioli. the third guy, Bob, opes it to find regatoni. The three men all say " If I ever get pasta again, I'll jump off the first skyscraper I find." The next day, the three get pasta again, so they each jump off a skyscraper to end their lives. At the funeral, two mothers are crying, but one is not. The two crying mothers ask the unresponsive one "why aren't you crying? Your son is dead!" The seemingly unconcerned mother takes a sip of wine, looks at the others and boldly exclaims: "Why should I care, he packed his own lunch! [editor's note: this is a take-off on a much shorter joke with the same punch line.] (JJ, Montreal)

Difference between making out and making love: 3 seconds. [editor's note: I really don't get this one, but maybe I'm missing something.] (Satyajit Neelam, Hyderabad)

I'm determined only to have a maximum of three kids, because I have heard that one out of four children born in the world is Chinese! (Bruno, San Diego, CA)

It's been a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline. Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom. (Dutch, Escondido, CA)

Never Divide By 0

2007-06-21T20:44:00.001-07:00

Proof That Girls Are Evil

2007-06-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Writing a Paper in College

2007-06-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

Funny Norton Message

2007-06-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

300 Floor is Wet Sign

2007-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

MPAA Sucks

2007-06-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

747 Super Vapor Trail

2007-06-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

What a Wonderful Day for Church

2007-06-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Man vs Woman

2007-06-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

Don't Mess

2007-06-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

Ordering Pizza in 2010

2007-06-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"

Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What? What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a 'cycle?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday."

Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge."

"Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

Back to Aricles/A Little Humor...

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Falling Glass Of Water

2007-06-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

You Scared The Shit Out Of Me

2007-06-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

Cursor Scar

2007-06-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Free Music Using Google

2007-06-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

{-inurl:(htm|html|php) intitle:"index of" +"last modified" +"parent directory" +description +size +(wma|mp3) "ANY Song OR ARTIST"}
All you have to do is type in the name of a song or artist where I wrote any song or artist and google will find archives for you.

Telemarketer Game

2007-06-01T14:40:00.001-07:00

Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected 5000 pts

She Gave Him Everything He Wanted

2007-06-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

Married for 2 weeks
Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks.

Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Mel,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

Hooker -vs- Wife -vs- G Friend

2007-06-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife?

The hooker says, "You're not done yet?"

The girlfriend says, "You're done already!"

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"

Stupid Questions

2007-06-01T14:37:00.002-07:00

Q: Are you s exually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And ! in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, ! this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

M&M Natural Selection

2007-06-01T14:37:00.001-07:00

Survival of the fittest M&Ms

(from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat
this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use
this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand
tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the
True Champion.

There can be only one.

Mommy... I Have a Drinking Problem

2007-06-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

2007-05-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Colbert Explains AT&T

2007-05-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

Amazing Security

2007-05-31T19:37:00.001-07:00

Bush interviewed as a Illegal Jumps the Border - Click here for more free videos

HD-DVD Keys

2007-05-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

Thought I should join in.

Old:09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0
New:45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B2

Compared To What?

2007-05-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

Enough Food?

2007-05-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Why Nothing Ever Gets Done

2007-05-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

Geeks and Linux

2007-05-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Dog Look-Alikes

2007-05-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

Pirate Laws

2007-05-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

#1 A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

#2 Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

#3 When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

#4 Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

#5 Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

#6 When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

#7 A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

#8 No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

#9 A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

#10 During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

#11 No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".

#12 All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.

#13 A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

#14 No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

#15 Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

#16 No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

#17 Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

#18 A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.

#19 Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.

#20 No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

#21 Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

#22 Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

#23 A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".

#24 Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".

#25 Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

#26 Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

#27 No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

#28 When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

#29 No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

#30 No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

#31 If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.

#32 A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".

#33 A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.

#34 Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

#35 Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.

#36 When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.

#37 A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.

#38 Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.

#39 Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").

#40 A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.

#41 While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.

#42 No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.

#43 Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.

#44 When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.

#45 Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.

#46 A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.

#47 Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

#48 Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.

#49 A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.

#50 Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.

#51 No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.

#52 Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.

#53 A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.

#54 When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.

#55 The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.

#56 No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.

#57 Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.

#58 When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"

#59 A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.

#60 All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".

#61 Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.

#62 Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".

#63 A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.

#64 A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.

#65 No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.

#66 Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".

#67 Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.

#68 Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.

#69 Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.

#70 Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

Shitload of Facts

2007-05-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer.

One of Hewlett Packard's first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher.

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India.

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material.

There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last 10,000 years.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

Alexander Graham Bell (who invented the telephone) also set a world water-speed record of over seventy miles an hour at the age of 72.

There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car four times around the world.

Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

Chimps are the only animals that can recognize themselves in a mirror.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."

If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years.

Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

All of David Letterman's suits are custom made - there are no creases in his suit trousers.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line "You can only live so long."

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.

Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.

A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.

The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

There once was a town named "6" in West Virginia.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

In 1920, Babe Ruth broke the single season home run record, with 29. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 30 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 40 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 50 home runs.

A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.

Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted "Ashcroft" for "A**hole" in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas flights.

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.

Sports Illustrated magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it filed the suit.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

Romanian firefighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.

Motorists traveling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the "litter cleanup" signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

Spam filters that catch the word "cialis" will not allow many work-related e-mails through because that word is embedded inside the word "specialist".

McDonald's restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald's purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options (the Apple Pie, which has been at McDonald's for years uses processed Apple Pie Filling).

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government.

All of Queen Anne's 17 children died before she did.

There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.

The time spent deleting SPAM costs United States businesses $21.6 billion annually.

60.7 percent of eligible voters participated in the 2004 presidential election, the highest percentage in 36 years. However, more than 78 million did not vote. This means President Bush won re-election by receiving votes from less than 31% of all eligible voters in the United States.

John Quincy Adams, sixth president of the United States, loved to skinny dip in the Potomac River.

La Paz, Bolivia has an average annual temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it has never recorded a zero-degree temperature. Same for Stanley, Falkland Islands and Punta Arenas, Chile.

41% of Chinese people eat at least once a week at a fast food restaurant. 35% of Americans do.

A Wisconsin forklift operator for a Miller beer distributor was fired when a picture was published in a newspaper showing him drinking a Bud Light.

G-rated family films earn more money than any other rating. Yet only 3% of Hollywood's output is G-rated.

Richard Hatch, winner of the first "Survivor" reality series, has been charged with tax evasion for failing to report his $1,000,000 prize.

The entire fleet of Unicoi County Tennessee's salt trucks was rendered out of commission in one accident. All three trucks were badly damaged when one of them began skidding down a road, causing a chain reaction accident. Officials blamed road conditions.

More people study English in China than speak it in the United States of America (300 million).

Fast food provider Hardee's has recently introduced the Monster Thickburger. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.

More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects.

There are 2,000,000 millionaires in the United States.

1.5 million Americans are charged with drunk driving each year.

A Georgia company will mix your loved one's ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial reef.

The Washington Times newspaper is owned by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm on Christmas Eve.

In 2002, women earned 742,000 bachelor's degrees. Men earned only 550,000 during the same year. The difference is growing so large that many colleges now practice (quietly) affirmative action for male applicants.

Most of the deck chairs on the Queen Mary 2 have had to be replaced because overweight Americans were breaking them.

Actor Bill Murray doesn't have a publicist or an agent.

The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush's re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

Only 30% of stolen artwork worth more than $1,000,000 each is recovered.

The typical American child receives 70 new toys a year, most of them during the holiday season.

90% of Canada's 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

Costco is the largest wine retailer in the United States. Annual wine sales are about $700 million.

The worst air polluter in the entire state of Washington is Mount St. Helens.

There are less than 100 surviving American World War I veterans.

Actor Bruce Willis has filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film "Tears of the Sun", alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he has endured "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering".

A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the -ahem- debris which is absorbed through the years. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and their decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand and a lot of perspiration, of which the average person loses a quart per day. Good night!

About 20% of gift cards never are redeemed at the full value of the card.

John Kerry's hometown newspaper, the Lowell Sun, endorsed George W. Bush for president in 2004. Bush's hometown newspaper, the Lone Star Iconoclast, endorsed John Kerry for president in 2004.

Only 939 of the 1,400,000 high school seniors who took the SAT in 2004 got a perfect score of 1600. Two of them are twin brothers Dillon and Jesse Smith from Long Island, NY.

Billboard magazine has recently launched a top 20 chart of cell phone ringtones.

The US Army is handing out $2,500 to Fallujah residents whose property was destroyed by US planes and artillery.

George W. Bush, who presents himself as a man of faith, rarely goes to church. Yet he received votes from nearly two out of three voters who attend church at least once a week.

In 2015, it is estimated that half the federal budget will be spent on programs for the elderly.

A private elementary school in Alexandria, Virginia, accidentally served margaritas to its schoolchildren, thinking it was limeade.

The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs.

In February 2004, a Disney World employee was killed when he fell from a parade float and was trapped between two float sections. OSHA termed this a serious workplace violation, but Disney was fined only $6,300.

Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.

The second Saturday in September is usually a popular time for weddings. Not in 2004, as most couples did not want their anniversaries on September 11.

Mel Gibson has personally earned almost $400,000,000 from his movie "The Passion of the Christ".

Austin High School in Texas has removed candy from its vending machines. Now some enterprising students are earning $200 per week dealing in black market candy.

In 2004, Virgin Atlantic Airlines introduced a double bed for first class passengers who fly together.

The world's largest book, "Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey" is in a Chicago public library. The book measures 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide when open. It weighs 133 pounds.

If the recent U.S. election was held in Canada, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush in a landslide - 64% to 19%.

Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley are distant cousins.

55% of Americans claim they would continue working even if they received a $10,000,000 lottery prize.

The company that manufactures the greatest number of women's dresses each year is Mattel. Barbie's got to wear something.

All radios in North Korea have been rigged so listeners can only receive a North Korean government station. The United States recently announced plans to smuggle $2,000,000 worth of small radios into the country so North Koreans can get a taste of (what their government calls) "rotten imperialist reactionary culture".

La Paz, Bolivia is the world's most fireproof city. At 12,000 feet about sea level, the amount of oxygen in the air barely supports a flame.

The estates of 22 dead celebrities earned over $5 million in 2004. These celebrities include Elvis Presley, Dr. Seuss, Charles Schulz, J.R.R. Tolkien and John Lennon.

George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor.

Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.

If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Cheops, you would get enough stones to encircle the earth with a brick wall twenty inches high.

Nearly one third of New York City public school teachers send their own children to private schools.

The New York City Police Department has a $3.3 billion annual budget, larger than all but 19 of the world's armies.

CBS's fine for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" in the 2004 Super Bowl show was $550,000. This could be paid with only 7.5 seconds of commercial time during the same Super Bowl telecast.

In September 2004, a Minnesota state trooper issued a speeding ticket to a motorcyclist who was clocked at 205 mph.

Al Gore's roommate in college (Harvard, class of 1969) was Tommy Lee Jones.

In her later years, Florence Nightingale kept a pet owl in her pocket.

The New York Jets were unable to find hotel rooms for a game in Indianapolis recently because they had all been booked up by people attending Gencon, a gaming convention.

China is the world's largest market for BMW's top of the line 760Li. This car sells for $200,000 in China - more than almost all people in China make in a lifetime.

A chef's hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

Each year, sixteen million gallons of oil run off pavement into streams, rivers and eventually oceans in the United States. This is more oil than was spilled by the Exxon Valdez.

An employee of the Alabama Department of Transportation installed spyware on his boss's computer and proved that the boss spent 10% of his time working (20% of time checking stocks and 70% of the time playing solitaire). The employee was fired, the boss kept his job.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Solid structures (parking lots, roads, buildings) in the United States cover an area the size of Ohio.

A Brussels Airlines flight to Vienna was aborted because the pilot was attacked in the cockpit. The attacker was a passenger's cat, who got out of its travel bag.

Physicists have already performed a simple type of teleportation, transferring the quantum characteristics of one atom onto another atom at a different location.

At General Motors, the cost of health care for employees now exceeds the cost of steel.

There is a regulation size half-court where employees can play basketball inside the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

One of pitcher Nolan Ryan's jockstraps recently sold at auction for $25,000.

Television stations hung banners at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, including Al-Jazeera, until it was noticed and taken down.

A woman was chewing what was left of her chocolate bar when she entered a Metro station in Washington DC. She was arrested and handcuffed; eating is prohibited in Metro stations.

The New York City subway system, in an effort to raise revenue, is considering selling sponsorships of individual stations to corporations. Riders could soon be getting off at Nike Grand Central Station or Sony Times Square.

The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student, and purchased by Nike for $35.

Gerald Ford once worked as a cover model for Cosmopolitan magazine.

Gillette spent $1,000,000 to place razor samples in the welcome bags handed out at the Democratic National Convention, only to have them confiscated as they were considered a threat. This caused huge delays at all security checkpoints.

Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World.

Jim Carrey voted in 2004 at the Beverly Hills City Hall. He had an assistant wait in line for him, however.

As part of a charity event, 500 cats were spayed and neutered in the cafeteria of an elementary school. School was cancelled for days and $10,000 was spent on cleaning and sterilizing the room.

The United States has five percent of the world's population, but twenty-five percent of the world's prison population.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China - measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

A house in Baghdad worth $15,000 before the Iraq war now sells for $120,000 to $150,000.

There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United States.

The fertility rate in states that voted for George Bush is 12% higher than states that favored John Kerry.

The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born and after it's dead.

The number of US college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves.

Some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure, and even protect the child from injury. They're not trained to do this, they simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack.

32 out of 33 samples of well-known brands of milk purchased in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California had trace amounts of perchlorate. Perchlorate is the explosive component in rocket fuel.

The remains of 125 people will be launched into space where they will orbit the Earth for centuries.

The leading cause of on-the-job deaths in workplaces in America is homicide.

So far, Congress has authorized $152,600,000,000 for the Iraq war. This is enough to build over 17,500 elementary schools.

Americans take an average of just ten days per year vacation. In France, the law guarantees everyone five weeks of vacation, and most full-time workers get two full months vacation.

The IRS admits that one in five people who call their help line get the wrong answer to their question.

20% of Americans think that the sun orbits around the Earth.

Van Halen singer David Lee Roth trained to be an EMT in New York City, and planned to be certified by November 2004.

The thong accounts for 25% of the United States women's underwear market.

On average, 40% of all hotel rooms in the United States remain empty every night.

When you hear a bullwhip snap, it's because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.

There is a new television show on a British cable called "Watching Paint Dry". Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite.

The largest ocean liners pay a $250,000 toll for each trip through the Panama Canal. The canal generates fully one-third of Panama's entire economy.

French author Michel Thaler published a 233 page novel which has no verbs.

The spring thaw finally allows cemeteries in Alaska to start digging graves for those who died during the winter.

When Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 in mid-2004, they will take official control of a company worth more than the gross national product of Mongolia. Their earnings in 2003 topped $1 billion.

Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher; it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish.

David Bowie thinks he is being stalked by someone who is dressed like a giant pink rabbit. Bowie has noticed the fan at several recent concerts, but he became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was on board.

A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.

In 1997, a woman in Bradenton, Florida lost her cat. In 2004, she got a call from the local animal shelter. The cat turned up wandering the streets in San Francisco, California. The cat's identity was proven with a microchip that had been implanted prior to 1997.

Almost 20% of the billions of dollars American taxpayers are spending to rebuild Iraq are lost to theft, kickbacks and corruption.

The treasury department has more than twenty people assigned to catching people who violate the trade and tourism embargo with Cuba. In contrast, it has only four employees assigned to track the assets of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

There are 40,000 New York City cab drivers, who collectively drive more than a million miles each day.

An estimated 800,000 senior citizens voluntarily give up their driving privileges each year. The average age at which they surrender the wheel is 85.

More than 8,100 US troops are still listed as missing in action from the Korean war.

3,400,000 Americans are considered "Extreme Commuters". These people commute over 90 minutes round trip every day to work.

82% of Americans made a purchase at Wal-Mart in 2002.

Oslo, Norway is the world's most expensive city. A gallon on gas costs almost $5, and it costs $1.32 to use the public restrooms.

Villanova University's commencement speaker this year is the actor who plays Big Bird.

In 1965, auditions were held for the "Monkees" TV show. Some of the people who responded (but were not hired) were Stephen Stills, Harry Nilsson, Paul Williams and Charles Manson.

Kevin Spacey's older brother is a professional Rod Stewart impersonator.

71% of office workers stopped on the street for a survey agreed to give up their computer passwords in exchange for a chocolate bar.

George W. Bush and John Kerry are 16th cousins, three times removed.

If current trends continue, Medicare costs will absorb 51% of all income tax revenues by 2042.

The prison system is the largest supplier of mental health services in America, with 250,000 Americans with mental illness living there.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

Researchers have found that doctors who spend at least three hours a week playing video games make about 37% fewer mistakes in laparoscopic surgery than surgeons who didn't play video games.

Before he had his own show, Jerry Seinfeld appeared on three episodes of the TV show "Benson" as the governor's speechwriter.

There are 1,008 McDonald's franchises in France.

Hostess Twinkies were originally filled with banana filling. The filling was changed during World War II when the United States experienced a banana shortage.

World War II veterans are now dying at the rate of about 1,100 each day.

George W. Bush is probably going to be the eighth president in US history to have completed a term in office without ever having issued a single veto.

A deployed air bag adds as much as $2,000 to the cost of repairing a vehicle. That's enough for insurance companies to often declare the car "totaled".

For the first time in history, the number of people on the planet aged 60 or over will soon surpass those under 5.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

One out of five people in the world (1.1 billion people) live on less than $1 per day.

The Swedish pop group ABBA recently turned down an offer of $2 billion to reunite.

The New Yorker magazine now has more subscribers in California than New York.

Five years ago, 60% of all retail purchases were made with cash or check. Now it's 50%. By 2010, 39% of purchases will be made by cash or check.

35 Billion e-mails are sent each day throughout the world.

The richest self-made American under 40 is Michael Dell, chairman of Dell Computers. He is worth $18 billion.

Legislators in Santa Fe, New Mexico, are considering a law that would require pets to wear seat belts when traveling in a car.

Life Savers got their shape by a malfunctioning machine, which mistakenly punched a hole in the center of each candy.

SUV sales are up 18% in the first quarter of 2004 vs. the same period of 2003, even though gas prices are skyrocketing. Consumer surveys show that gas prices would have to hit $3.75 per gallon before there will be any real impact on SUV sales.

Airport security agents at Logan Airport in Boston, Massachusetts caught a passenger trying to sneak a severed seal head onto a plane inside a cooler. The man said he was a biology professor and had found the dead animal on the beach.

Jimmy Carter once reported a UFO in Georgia.

There are 150,000,000 cell phones in use in the United States, more than one per every two human beings in the country.

A Boeing 767 airliner is made of 3,100,000 separate parts.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

Last December, the House of Representatives earmarked $50,000,000 to create an indoor rain forest in Iowa.

Amusement park attendance goes up after a fatal accident. It seems many people want to ride upon the same ride that killed someone.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

For every ton of fish that is caught in all the oceans on our planet, there are three tons of garbage dumped into the oceans.

June Foray did the voice for Rocky the Flying Squirrel and the Chatty Cathy dolls.

Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. The reason may be that they are "scared to death" by the number four. The words four and death sound alike in both Chinese and Japanese.

People with initials that spell out GOD or ACE are likely to live longer than people whose initials spell out words like APE, PIG, or RAT.

More people in the United States die during the first week of the month than during the last, an increase that may be a result of the abuse of substances purchased with benefit checks that come at the beginning of each month.

In the film Forrest Gump, all the still photos show Forrest with his eyes closed.

There are an average of 18,000,000 items for sale at any time on EBay.

The New York Times reports that in February 2004, 62% of all e-mail was spam.

A Massachusetts surgeon left a patient with an open incision for 35 minutes while he went to deposit a check.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

U.K. telecom provider Telewest Broadband is testing a device that hooks to your PC and wafts a scent when certain e-mails arrive.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

In 1993, David McLean developed lung cancer. He died on October 12, 1995. McLean's death made him the second Marlboro Man to die of lung cancer. Another actor, Wayne McLaren, died in 1992 at the age of 51 from lung cancer.

There is a bar in London that sells vaporized vodka, which is inhaled instead of sipped.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, fifty percent of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

On EBay, there are an average of $680 worth of transactions each second.

The Eiffel Tower shrinks 6 inches in winter.

The first FAX machine was patented in 1843, 33 years before Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone.

72% of Americans sign their pets' names on greeting cards they send out.

In an effort to encourage the use of nuclear energy, the United States lent highly enriched uranium to countries all over the world between 1950 and 1988. Enough weapons-grade material to make 1,000 nuclear bombs has still not been returned by such countries as Pakistan, Iran, Israel and South Africa.

Homing pigeons use roads where possible to help find their way home. In fact, some pigeons followed roads so closely that they actually flew around traffic circles before choosing the exit that led them home.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

A snowflake can take up to a hour to fall from the cloud to the surface of the Earth.

Only 5 percent of the ocean floor has been mapped in as much detail as the surface of Mars.

The only people whose likenesses adorn Pez dispensers are Betsy Ross and Paul Revere.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".

In a nod to astronauts, Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.

Eleven top executives of the Direct Marketing Association (the telemarketers' group that is trying to kill the federal "Do Not Call" list) have registered for the list themselves.

An iceberg the size of Long Island, New York, has broken off Antarctica and has blocked sea lanes used by both ships and penguins.

In 2003, the Transportation Security Administration dropped a requirement that air marshals pass a marksmanship test. Some applicants were even hired after they repeatedly shot flight attendants in mock hijacking episodes.

As of January 2004, the United States economy now borrows $1,500,000,000 each day from foreign investors.

A Costa Rican worker who makes baseballs earns about $2,750 annually. The average American pro baseball player earns $2,377,000 per year.

Former keyboard player for Jethro Tull David Palmer is now a woman named Dee Palmer. He waited until his wife died before going through with his longtime desire for a sex change.

During Bill Clinton's entire eight year presidency, he only sent two e-mails. One was to John Glenn when he was aboard the space shuttle, and the other was a test of the e-mail system.

Albert Einstein never knew how to drive a car.

The UK's best selling hiking magazine published faulty coordinates for descending Scotland's tallest peak (Ben Nevis), and recommended a route that leads climbers off the edge of a cliff.

The Mars Rover "Spirit" is powered by six small motors the size of "C" batteries. It has a top speed of 0.1 mph.

Zeppo Marx (the unfunny one of the Marx Brothers) had a patent for a wristwatch with a heart monitor.

The entire town of Capena, Italy (including children as young as 2 years old) lights up cigarettes each year in honor of St. Anthony's Day. This tradition is centuries old.

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

Microsoft threatened 17 year old Mike Rowe with a lawsuit after the young man launched a website named MikeRoweSoft.com.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

There is a Starbucks in Myungdong, South Korea that is five stories tall.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

There has been no mail delivery in Canada on Saturday for the last thirty five years.

The weight of air in a milk glass is about the same as the weight of an aspirin tablet.

The world's smallest winged insect is the Tanzanian parasitic wasp. It's smaller than the eye of a housefly.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

If you have three quarters, four dimes and four cents, you have $1.19. But you cannot make exact change for a dollar.

There are more plastic flamingoes in the United States than real ones.

The chance that you will die on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than the chance of you winning the big prize in most lotteries.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Look-Alike contest.

An average of 100 people choke to death on ball point pens each year.

The National Anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Toto was paid $125 per week while filming the "Wizard of Oz".

All polar bears are left handed.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

To help reduce budget deficits, several states have begun reducing the amount of food served to prison inmates. In Texas, the number of daily calories served to prisoners was cut by 300, saving the state $6,000,000 per year.

The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

Pope John Paul II is the world's Scrabble champion in the over-70 category.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only state capitol without a McDonald's.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

In 1993, the board of governors at Carl Karcher Enterprises voted (5 to 2) to fire Carl Karcher. Carl Karcher is the founder of Carls Jr. restaurants.

The little hole in the sink that lets the water drain out, instead of flowing over the side, is called a "porcelator."

The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers' first flight.

Ted Turner owns 5% of New Mexico.

Over 8 years, this happened 284 times: "Cosmo" Kramer went through Jerry Seinfeld's apartment door.

The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

There are more 100 dollar bills in Russia currently than there are in the United States.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

65% of Elvis impersonators are of Asian descent.

Burt Reynolds was originally cast to be Han Solo in the first Star Wars film. He dropped out before filming.

Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter" in 2000.

There are only three types of snakes on the island of Tasmania and all three are deadly poisonous.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is "shake" and the 46th word from the last word is "spear".

If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

The strength of early lasers was measured in Gillettes, the number of blue razor blades a given beam could puncture.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Point Roberts in Washington State is cut off from the rest of the state by British Columbia, Canada. If you wish to travel from Point Roberts to the rest of the state or vice versa, you must pass through Canada, including both Canadian and U.S. customs.

The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

There is an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Newborn babies are given to the wrong mother in the hospital 12 times a day worldwide.

The Starbucks at the highest elevation is on Main Street in Breckenridge, Colorado.

Each year, over 1,000,000 people fail to itemize out the mortgage interest deduction on their income taxes. Last year, this amounted to $473,000,000 in taxes.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts - an hourglass and a sundial.

One out of three employees who received a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it.

If you know a (male) millionaire who happens to be married, The most likely profession of his wife is a teacher.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

1 pound of lemons contain more sugar than 1 pound of strawberries.

The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

60% of all US potato products originate in Idaho.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time.

A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley's Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first (and only) home run.

The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter "screeched" and "strengths".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" read 4:20.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.

A snail can also sleep for three years.

A starfish can turn its stomach inside out.

A strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.

Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry.

Only 14% of Americans say they've skinny dipped with the opposite sex.

"60 Minutes" on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.

An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime waiting at red lights.

The Olympic flag's colors are always red, black, blue, green and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

Cats can hear ultrasound.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter "A".

23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never wear underwear.

Superman is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld", either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the men who cheat on their wives die while having sex.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.

The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under is cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

Darwin Awards 1999

2007-05-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards, the awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

Lawyer Joke

2007-05-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat. He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it". The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat. As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him. He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him. He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story". The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

First Post

2007-05-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

So, I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you about the site. My name is Chris and I created this site by myself, free of charge. I use all free ways of publicity and if you have any other suggestions, give them. This site is pretty much a collection of funny/interesting things I have found online.