Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Bunch of Jokes
Bumper Sticker#1: Cats make everything taste better. Bumper Sticker #2: My dog is smarter than your honor student. (Gray, Grand Canyon, MO)
There's no "us" in "team" either! (Bennett, NYC)
To err is human, to blame someone else shows good management skills. (Jordan, San Jose)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshoper said, "You have a drink names Stanley?" (Courtney, Bryan)
Acronyms: PMS - Potential Murder Suspect (Travis, CA)
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Duct tape is like "The Force" - it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Travis, CA)
Why is it bad to play poker in the savanna? There might be a Cheetah. (Gary, CA)
My new workout plan is working - I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. To work at Starbucks, do you have to graduate Magnum Cum Latte? (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta)
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. (Louie, Guy Walks Into A Bar)
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (Victor, South Africa)
Oxymoron: Literal Interpretation (Billnes, ??)
WRONG LYRICS Merrilee Rush "Angel of the Morning" / "Just cash my check before you leave me" (Darrell, Kentucky)
Wow! You have got the most beautiful legs. When do they open? (Sanji, San Diego)
Bumper sticker: My gamer fragged your honor student! (Shaun, Lexington, AL)
Shortest books: Healthy Fast Food (insanetrombone, Crazyland)
God made man. Then God said, "I can do better," and there was woman. (Amanda, New York)
Sign on a Septic Tank Business -- We're #1 in the #2 business. (Scott, Illinois)
Money flies when you're having fun. (Victor, South Africa)
I love kids! Lets exchange recipes! Bumper Sticker: Squirrels - Nature's speed bumps. (Brandi, Huntsville)
Are board games supposed to make you bored? (Matt, Bridgeport)
Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (Brett Jones, Ohio)
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was in school, he was in a play about classical composers. The teacher asked him, "Would you like to be Mozart or Beethoven?" Arnold said, "I'll be Bach." (Jordan, San Jose)
For God's sake… why are you hanging around with atheists? (Dick, Savage, MN)
(bumper sticker) Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! (brett, ohio)
What do you call twin babies that are waiting to be born? Wombmates. (Tom, New Jersey)
How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency. (brett jones, coventry)
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. (Jordan, San Jose)
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks "olive or twist?" (Ric, Alice, TX)
This was reported in the New York Post - Headless Body Found in Topless Bar. (Larry, Headlines)
Insult: Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road. (Dewey Baker, Salem, Oregon)
Bumper Sticker: Stable Relationships are for Horses (Graham, Australia)
Daffynitions: Barbecue - A line of people waiting for a hair cut. Buoyant - A young male insect. Myth - A female moth. Will- A dead giveaway (Daniel C, Ipswich)
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor, after running a few tests, tells him, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimer's disease." The patient says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer." Another man goes up to a doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a pool ball." And the doctor says, "Get back to the end of the queue." (Erica, San Diego, CA)
Light bulb jokes: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? HEY, that's not funny! How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you should have seen the lightbulb! It was THIS big! How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? Three; one to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part, and one to say it won't be here until Thursday. How many rich kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None; if the lightbulb goes out Daddy buys them a new apartment. (Erica, San Diego, CA)
how many gt kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whell in astro nomic conitions many phaamones are used but if many geonomes etc ...translation: 1. [editor's note: Uh....OK?!] (kyle, nj)
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? (Victor, South Africa)
Oxymoron: Country Music (Cute Kate, SoCal)
The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open!! (Evets, Ontario Canada)
I am too young to be old. (Victor Kalbskopf, South Africa)
Bumper stickers: "Custer wore an Arrow shirt." "The winner of a rat race is still a rat." (Jake, Colorado)
Q:How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? A: Ask him for his autograph. Ouch! (Ward, State)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. (Jake M., Ohio)
My dyslexic friend said he liked "101 Dalmatians", and he learned a lot about the dog breed but he thought his instructor was a little tough. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)
Bumper Sticker: IF YOU OBSERVE THIS VEHICLE BEING OPERATED IN AN UNSAFE MANNER, PLEASE TRY TO THINK OF IT AS ONE MORE ANOMALY IN THE COSMIC ORDER. (Clement Anthony, Dumfries, USA)
A man was examined at a hospital and is now waiting for the doctor's results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news, you're going to die in 10." "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks? Days?" The doctor says, "9..8..7..6..5.." (Ben, Hyrule)
You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God you're right! I never would've thought of that!" (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
To err is human, to moo bovine. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Animal testing is a bad idea, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
A buddist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The vendor says, "That's $2.50." The monk gives him $5.00, and says, "Where's the change?" The vendor says, "Change must come from within." (Steve, Ontario, Canada)
What do you call a backwards looking monkey? Just look in the mirror! (Kiara, Hell)
Bumper sticker: Jesus is coming. Look busy! (Buddy, ??)
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes? Who was the first to see a cow and think, "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" What's the speed of dark? (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)
Her family came from the ugly tree and unfortunately she hit every branch on the way down! (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)
Cruise Lines: Newlyweds, Over-feds, and nearly deads! (Jaime, Nebraska)
Pickup Line - If I were to ask you for a kiss, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? (Kelwin, United States)
If assh***s could fly this place would be an airport! (Philo, Peterborough, Ontario)
A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)
Bumper Sticker: I Love Animals... They're Delicious (Ryan, New Zealand)
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Guy: "Well, what's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Guy: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I forgot to call you yesterday!" (Sarah, Georgia)
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't - there is a clock on the oven. (Shane, Somewherethatyoudon'tknowsothatyouwon'tbeatmeforthesejokes)
You can be daddy's little girl, and people think it's cute. But if you are mommy's little boy and you're 30 and live in the basement you're considered weird. Just say no to double standards. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
An advantage of being over 65: If you do something good you can show people your birth certificate, but if you mess up you can show people your birth certificate. (dsmeth, olds)
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy praticing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. (Tananda, Bumper Stickers)
The fact that no one understands you does NOT mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't care. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. You sound reasonable, it must be time to up my medication. (Victor, South Africa)
The last thing I need to worry about are my anxiety disorders! (Patrick, Atlanta, GA)
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor: "Make me one with everything." [editor's note: I love it!] (Carroll Brown, Ocala, Florida)
Bumper Sticker: Adjure Obfuscation (Betty, Texas)
If you are called by a telemarketer, claim that you are a telemarketer from a rival company and attempt to sell them something. (Curtis, Utica)
My wife and I have just taken life insurance policies on each other -now it is just a waiting game. We have 3 beautiful children. We actualy have 4 children but only 3 beautiful ones. (Victor, South Africa)
Could you play 'sole' music with a shoe horn? Put the magic back in your relationship: DISAPPEAR! When you sneeze,do all the numbers in your head go up by one? Can you find 'buck teeth' at the Dollar Store? (Charley, Edmonton, AB, Canada)
Why are wedding gowns white? So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator. What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag you? It means the rope is too long. [editor's note: These are Steve's jokes, not mine. Don't send me hate mail. ;^)] (Steve, Long Island, NY)
Florida: Newly wed or nearly dead. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
Rumor has it Saddam didn't fit in his pine box. They measured him before instead of after. (D. Smeth, Olds, AB, Canada)
Oxymoron: Conservative movement (Larry, Desk)
People in metal houses shouldn't throw magnets. (Victor, South Africa)
Finally, after years of trying to reach the mind of a teenage son, the father - with his eyes full of love and satisfaction - says to his son, "Yes, son. You can listen to my Santana albums!" (M. Prouder, Nashville, TN)
PMS: Potential Murder Suspect (I, CUP)
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want? If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Since bread is square, then why is baloney round? Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas? When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh? Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more? Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Is sign language the same in languages other than English? Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? There is no "o" in number! Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? It would be more fun to eat thea big one! Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? (Shane, Diagonal in a parrallel universe)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The shrink says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement! (Shane, North Pole)
If a cow and an igneous rock get married and decide to have kids, would they or would they not have 9 female cheesecakes? (Shane, North Pole)
Bumper sticker: I plan to live forever, so far so good! (Jake M, Ohio)
I have CDO disorder: it's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order (as it should be). (Jake M, Ohio)
Did you here about the cowardly dragon? He only preyed on weak knights. (Ellethom, Chicago)
Only in America do healthy people buy cigarettes in the front of the store, but sick people have to go all the way to the back to get their medicine! Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. (Imani, Massachusetts)
You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on your incubator! (Imani, Massachusetts)
Bumper Sticker: Honk if the twins fall out. (Will, Toronto)
Can you get cornered in a round room? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why do we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? (Shane, Somewhere over the Rainbow)
I only had two conversations with this guy who could talk your arm off, before I finally realized he was also trying to pull my leg. (Hop, Indy)
This is for the Bad Literature section: She waltzed around the ballroom with him for what seemed like hours as she gazed into his eyes falling madly in love with him and fantasizing about how glorious their life would be if they were husband and wife, and then she winced as the sharp heel of his black leather boot landed squarely on her toe and she realized that it just wasn’t going to work out between them. (Joan, America)
Strangely the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer in the slow-motion replay! (Shane, Newfoundland)
Did you hear about the new German/Chinese restaurant? The food is great but in an hour you're hungry again..for power. (Rick, Canada)
For Pickup Lines: Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants. Are your pants from outerspace, or is your butt just out of this world? (Amanda, Pittsburgh)
He could kill himself by jumping from his shoe size to his IQ. (Sylvia Van Wyck, Belgium)
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... (Shane, Greenland)
Wrong Lyrics: For Tina Turner's 'Steamy Windows' song I thought it was about some guy named Stevie Wigno. It was on the radio all the time when I was a kid and I hated it. I asked my family, "Who the hell cares about Stevie Wigno anyways?" They've made fun of me ever since. (Lia, Ontario)
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? "Cute as a button" - Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? (Shane, Polar Regions)
Golden, ripe, boneless bananas; 27 cents a pound! (Shane, North Pole)
(This is for the state-motto section) Arkansas: Literasy Ain't Everthang (Shane, North Pole)
Constipated people don't give a crap! (Shane, North Pole)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 119 of them will slip you into a coma. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? 2: 1 to drop it and 1 to say "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up". (Connor, Oregon)
Have you ever noticed that there are neither Hs nor Os in "water"? (Lex, MD)
Somewhere along the line, I think something got genetically messed up. (Shane, North Pole)
This is a quote (I've been told by my father, who is a reliable source) from Yogi Berra: Yogi is bumped into by a man moving a grandfather clock. The man says, "I'm sorry." Yogi says to him, "Why can't you just wear a watch like everybody else?" (MKNZ, Vero Beach)
Why is it that every time I try to tell a lengthy joke, I end up screwing it up? (Shane, North Pole)
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke 'em on. (Gary, CA)
How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey guys, I finally found the recipes for egg salad! (Shane, North Pole)
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who prays to Santa? (Jake Moon, Ohio)
Elevator fun: Sit inside with a desk, pen holder, a few folders and a telephone. Whenever someone walks in ask them if they have an appointment. [editor's note: this would take a LOT of preparation, but good!] (Shoaib, UK)
Some people look at a beer as half gone or half full. I think who the hell's been drinking my beer. (Jeff, Okanogan)
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar, all drinking beers. 3 flies come in and land right in each beer. The Scottish man drinks the beer and the fly. The English man takes out the fly, flicks it away, and drinks the beer. The irish man takes out the fly and screams, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!" (Matt the Phat, Bridgeport)
A very religious man falls into quicksand. Some firefighters come by and offer a helping hand, but he says: "No thanks, God will help me." Twice again they come by and he refuses their help. He then sinks to his death. In heaven, he angrily asks God why he didn't save him, but God says, "What about those firefighters I sent three times?" (Patrick, Montreal)
I know it is not a genuine new joke : Beauty*Wit*Availability=k where k is a constant always equal to zero. (Patrick, Montreal)
For Daffynitions: Naggravator: the person in the passenger seat who's having trouble reading the directions or map. Also - anyone who's helping to drive, but not actually behind the wheel. (Michele T., Pennsylvania)
Why did Superman take his dog for a walk? Because it had sore legs! (EGG, Sydney, Australia)
Pickup line: Did you just fart? Because you blew me away. (Meg, Colorado)
This one is true - The Southwest Airlines flight attendant said this as the plane stopped and the door was opened: "Okay, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday: 'GET OUTTA HERE!'" (Fred, San Antonio)
Bumper Sticker: I had the right to remain silent but I didn't have the ability. (Kenneth Dockery, Florida)
A young man had a job for the local village of ringing the tower bell everyday at noon. He got sick one morning and called his twin brother to ring it for him. His twin brother said he didn't know how. "It is easy, just push the bell straight out and move out of the way." The brother climbed up into the tower, and pushed the bell at noon just like he was told, but he forgot to move out of the way. When the bell came back it hit him right in the face and knocked him out of the tower to the ground. Two villagers came up. One says, "I'm not sure who that is, but his face rings a bell." The other says, "He's a dead ringer for his brother." (Hop, Indy)
Last night I dreamed I wrote 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realized I'd just been Tolkien in my sleep. (LOLOMFGFunnay!, The Internets)
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station. (Robert, Champion, OH)
Did you hear about the dyslexic cook that made me a tender lion? (Hop, Indy)
World's Shortest Books: How to Find and Capture Osama Bin Laden, by Every Government Agency (VV, Look Around)
One of the Shortest Books: Motherhood by Britney Spears (Keith, Valdosta, GA)
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him...a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (Colleen, Windsor, Connecticut)
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. (Cid, Here)
A man decides that he is lonely and would like to have a pet. So he goes down to the pet store, but he doesn't really see anything he likes. The store owner suggests to the man that he get one of their new talking centipedes. The man gets one and goes home. The next day, the man gets ready for church, and says into the centipede's box, "I am going to church, would you like to go with me?" No answer - "Of course it doesn't really talk," the man thought. He tried this again, this time yelling into the box. Still no answer. The third time he shouted louder. This time the centipede answered! He said, "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!" (Michelle, Williamstown, KY)
Laughter is the best medicine, and your face is curing the world! (Matthew, Bridgeport)
The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. (Matt, Bridgeport)
You can only make the mistake of petting a shark twice. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
A frog walks into a bank. He needs a loan, so he walks up to the teller whose name is Miss Patty Wak. He asks for the loan and she says, "You're a frog! I can't give you a loan." The frog replies, "But my dad is Mick Jagger! You have to give me this loan!" Patty says,"OK, but I need a collateral in order to give you any money at all." "Here," the frog says, "I have this miniature statue of the Eiffel Tower. That'll work, right?" "I'll have to ask my boss," Patty says. Patty asks her boss, "He says his dad is Mick Jagger, and he gave me this little statue for collateral? What should I do?" So her boss quickly responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!" (Hector, Miami)
What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." [editor's note: EXCELLENT pun!] (Wayfarer, Malaysia)
I recently tried some organic foods - the first item on my list was barbecue sauce. It was certified organic, and on the label it lists all the ingredients and there is a star next to all the ingredents that are organic. Water was the first ingredient, but it did not have the organic star. That scares me just a little bit. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Shortest Book: Jewish Sports Legends (Larry the K, Here)
Syndrome: committing wrongdoing in the Vatican City. (Jeff Dudley, Tennessee)
What do you tell a atheist when he sneezes? (Mike Jurdhen, WSuuhhHHH)
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test? (Sam, Colorado)
Acupuncture isn't all that crazy a thing to try - it's pretty logical if you think about it. "Yeah, that needle in my eye totally made me forget about the pain in my arm." (Shea, Texas)
Some see the glass as half empty, others as half full. I just see the glass as too big!! In Africa, when a lion escapes from the circus, how do they know when they've caught the right one? I met a woman named 'Viamonte.' I said, "Wow! You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Would lactose intolerant people have to go to the "Non-Dairy Queen"? For those T-shirts that say "Guess" on the front, I think they should print the answers on the back. Can midgets be paid under the table? Do imaginary people have 'real' friends? It's time to diet if your car's seat belts have stretch marks. Would a police van loaded with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Daffynitions - Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way. (Bob Z., Sauk Village, IL.)
I tried to build a dog house the other day, but I only had enough dogs to build three walls [editor's note: Excellent! Best joke in months!] (Bennett, NY)
What's the point of mint-flavored dental floss? The only thing I ever taste when I floss is blood and chicken. (Bennett, NY)
A liquor salesman decides to retire after 35 years and move to the wilds of Alaska. He buys a cabin 60 miles from town and goes there once a month to get his mail and groceries. One day there's a knock on the door, opening it he sees a 6 foot 6, 285 pound man with a beard down to his belly. The man says, "Hi, my name is Lars. I'm your neighbor and I live 40 miles from here and I want to invite you to my Christmas party this Friday." The salesman says, "I'd love to go." Lars explains,"I've got to warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting and for sure some wild sex." The salesman replies, "I'm used to liquor, I get along well with people and some wild sex sounds pretty good about know." As Lars turns to leave, the salesman asks, "Hey, Lars, what should I wear?" Lars smiles and says, " It don't matter, it's just going to be you and me." (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)
If you get ' Mono' twice, isn't that 'Stereo'? Are 'trans fats' regular fats that like to dress like a woman? Can bald people get a hairline fracture? If life's 'ups and downs' bother you, get off the elevator. I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was just a small fire! (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Don't drink and drive: Pull over, drink, then drive (repeat as needed). (Scott, Texas)
What did one hungry computer say to the other? I can sure go for a byte! (Gary, CA)
If the Italian mafia was responsible for spam, then I know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is. He is quite delicious! (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
I used to be a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I worked at a frozen-food factory once and I got fresh one day so they canned me. (Johnnie, Trenton, NJ)
I'm always looking for the first sign of the apocalypse, but I can't read so I hope they have pictures. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
I like Fruit Loops because fruit tastes better in little circles. My Frosted Flakes melted in the summer. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first! What's happened to the education system? When I pass a school zone there are signs that say "Drive carefully - slow children! How do you write zero in Roman numerals? Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives? Why is it called Rush Hour when you don't move? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Did you hear about the man who stole the clock? He is doing time for it. (Sonia/Subin, Sung)
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself. (Sonia, Sung)
Why do they call it a building if it's already built? (Ben, Sandwich Island)
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it, so when a polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole! (Ireland, Utah)
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. Above all else - SKY (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first? The blonde - she drowns in the emo kid's tears. (Me, Australia)
I told my girlfriend I loved her so much that I would go through hell for her. Now we are married. (Kartik, New Delhi)
If a sweat shop makes sweat pants but nobody was around to sweat, does that mean Jesus didn't exist? [editor's note: maybe this belongs in the "Huh?" section.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
How many weeks are there in a light year? How do you get off a nonstop flight? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? How do blind people know when they're done wiping? One nice thing about Egotists; they don't talk about other people. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?? [editor's note: Evets comes through with some good ones! E-mail me, please, Evets!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Light travels faster than sound; that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
I've been sober for about 296 days now. Not in order, of course. (Lykez, OMG)
I told my parents I wanted to be a stand-up comedian and they laughed in my face. A police officer pulled me over and asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Man, you should really ask a psychic" (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach, FL)
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire! When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Evets, Ontario Canada)
The 'Moral Majority' is neither. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)
My drinking team has a bowling problem. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)
Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us might have never been born. (Levi, Lyons)
How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's sign off the top. (Jen'fer, Michigan)
I wanted to buy a ball but I was short on cash so I asked the salesman, "How much without the air?" I bought brown underwear so that when I get really scared people won't notice. I got fired from my job as a tour guide for saying things like, "If you look to the left you're gullible" and "if you look to the right you'll miss whatever's going on at the right." I punched a wall, it yelled "ouch!" I got tired of treasure hunting all day so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". I got run over by an ambulance, thank God. (Kyle, Philippines)
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. (S. Kennedy, Poulsbo, WA)
There are three things that prove Jesus might be a Californian. - He never cut his hair, He walked around barefoot, and He started a new religion. There are also three things that might prove that Jesus was a woman - He fed 5000 men with no notice and no food, He tried to talk to men but they didn't understand, and even when he was dead he had to get up because there was work to do. (Stephen, Florida)
Did you hear about the electrician on the ship? It ran aground. I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them I'm psychic. If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll all be in a jam. (Hop, Indy)
Did you year about the two maggots making love in dead Ernest? (papadog65, Lakewood, WA)
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. What's green and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise. (Ghost, New Zealand)
After having his car stereo stolen more then 4 times, a young man got fed up and wrote "NO CAR STEREO," and left it under his passenger windshield wiper when parking. Upon returning to his car, he noticed his note was moved. He went inside his car, looked behind the note, and on the "NO CAR STEREO" note it said, "JUST CHECKING" (Gary, CA)
I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. I told a hyena some of my jokes, he stopped laughing. I needed some explosives so I went dynamite fishing. My friend asked me, "What do you drive?" I said, "I drive my parents crazy." I lost 40 pounds. I'm still looking for it. My car brakes weren't working so I bought an anchor. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy - I'd rather shout than own a cellphone. I had to cancel my plans for building a fireworks factory because the only spot left was next to a zippo factory. (Kyle, Philippines)
if vampires have no reflection,how come they have such neat hair? Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them! He who laughs last thinks the slowest! When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't! I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory! It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. A cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the cost of living. [editor's note: more good ones!] (Evets, Ontario Canada)
the pepole on this site joker r so bad well i dont evin need 2 make a joke look at thim there the punch line [editor's note: No editing done on this one, obviously!] (sam worthinton, mansfild ohio)
I saw a chicken crossing the road and decided to ask him what the point was. He said, "I'll tell you if you say why you are talking to a chicken?" O I said, "Good point!" My friend has a problem with marijuana: Tthe weather man said there would be a flash flood and to get to higher ground, he went to my school's bottom stairwell. I whistled in a lake and a dogfish came. Frogs aren't endangered because of pollution - it's that damn fifth leg that gets in the way. My math class is so boring I made a full length film on my calculator, I got an A+. I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, and they were out - what the hell? (Schmidty, MN)
To relieve stress hire someone to massage it. I'm a recovering alchoholic - once my beer belly is gone (and I can stand up again) I'm getting me another bottle. I feel sorry for the 701st guy who wanted to join the 700 club. My car likes to chase it's tailpipe. If I'm about to be executed I want my last meal to be drive-thru. I remember being in my mother's womb - I wrote "Kyle was here". My friend asked me, "What do you do?" I said, "I work in a toy factory." He said, "How much do you make?" I said, "About 10 toys a day." I enrolled for self-defense just in case I want to kill myself. [editor's note: Kyle strikes again!] (Kyle, Philippines)
A man walks into a bar with a Rhino. The man and the rhino proceed to get drunk. Eventually, the rhino collapses on the floor and passes out. The bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man yells out, "It's not a lion, it's a rhino!" (Gary, CA)
The indians of a local tribe asked their chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief didn't know so he said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." Being a good chief, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" The guy said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." The chief then tells his tribe to gather more wood as its going to be a cold winter. The chief calls the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a REALLY cold winter?" The guys said, "Yes, its going to be cold." The chief then tells his tribe to pick up the wood gathering process and calls the National Weather Service and asks, "Is it going to be a REALLY REALLY cold winter? The guy says, "Yes. The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." [editor's note: Whew!] (Miso, Happy)
How come outlets are electrical and inlets are geographical? The platypus was created by God when he was a teenager and experimenting with drugs. That is also when he created lawyers and mother-in-laws. You can tell Saturn is the richest planet because of all its rings. In other news, a small country in Asia is first to elect a monkey as president. The U.S. replies, "We did that first." [editor's note: Giving Kyle some competition! Kyle and Schmidty: PLEASE E-MAIL ME. Let's get you guys your own page!] (Schmidty, MN)
If a mime trips in a forest and no one is around to not hear it, is he still silent? (Schmidty, MN)
I joined a secret club - I went to a meeting and the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I said, "I don't know - aren't you supposed to know that?" I think people kick other people because they can't afford a ball. I think medals are overrated but that's just me being a sore loser. I think bears are cute until the moment of attack. Life begins when you're born and ends with an "E". I have a split personality - my other self is an insomniac so I have to sleep with one eye open. I gave my niece 10 bucks. The next day I remembered I didn't have a niece. I went to an art gallery and I saw a Van Gogh - it was really fast. (Kyle, Philippines)
I want to open a sports drink company and call it Human-ade, cause gators never get thristy. Well, I suppose they could, but the way they show it is by biting you in the neck and spinning around really fast. But by then it would be too late to get them a glass a water. [editor's note: Hmmmm. OK.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way. (CW, Margaritaville)
If Johnny cracked corn and no one cared, how come they wrote a song about him? (Robbie, LaLaLand)
What does an insomniac dyslexic atheist do at night? He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. (Auggie, PA)
Do you even look at these before you release them? It's your web site. You don't have to post every submission given to you. You're allowed to trash the ones that don't make any sense. Some of these are way too stupid. How about a little discrimination? [editor's note: I read each and every one of them. I am very discriminating - about half of the submissions don't make it on the site. I read your comments - and posted them too. Perhaps that WAS my error. ;^)] (Astro, Canada)
2 carrots are walking down the street. A car swerves off the road and runs one of them over. The ambulance takes the injured carrot to the hospital and his friend rides along. At the hospital, after a long wait, the doctor speaks with the uninjured carrot: "Your friend will live.... but he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life." (Ed, Levittown, PA)
An Irishman walks out of a bar... Hey, it COULD happen! (credit to My lovely rose) (Thorn, Atlanta, GA)
I had to catch a train so I wore a really big baseball glove. It's hard for me to write jokes - I have a lot of ideas, but I dont know how to write. I have a masters degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return it in 2 days. I saw a sign when I was walking that said "Warning: I may warn you about something". My phone was busted and I wanted to order some food so I went to the restaurant, I told them my order, then I went home and waited for it to be delivered. I bought a mansion the other day. It was on a monopoly board. I wonder how you make something invisible disappear? People are 75% water - how come when I fall down I don't make a splashing sound? I wonder how you water a power plant. I'm green minded but don't get me wrong I just love plants. I think it's about time we made bathrooms for birds to avoid any more accidents. [editor's note: Wow! Mitch Hedberg lives! Send more, Kyle!] (Kyle, Philippines)
I always find it hard to read a book in a movie theater. I'm afraid of heights so I really can't stand watching a basketball game. One time I was channel surfing and then I almost drowned. I think staying at home is the safest form of travel. One time, I wanted rice for dinner but didn't know where I can get any so I got married that afternoon. I couldn't afford a dog so I bought a fur coat instead. I go to a very prestigious university and every morning I mop the floors there. One time, I needed a haircut so I converted to buddhism. I have a semi-automatic oven.I have to check on it every 5 minutes just to see if its still running. (Kyle, Philippines)
Men are living proof that women can take a joke. (Alana Eckelberry, Alma, Kansas)
That guy was so ugly when he was a kid, his parents had to keep him in the closet and feed him with a slingshot! (Steven K. G., Pennsylvania)
Bumper Sticker: I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy (Steve, Colorado)
Bumper Sticker: In case of Rapture... can I have your car? (Ariana Moseley, New Mexico)
Political Science question: If Russia attacked Turkey in the rear, would Greece help? (Seedy, Washington)
"It's like shooting snipers in a barrel." (fourthgen, Huh?)
8 out of 10 cats we asked said "Meow!" (Mike, England)
Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Pink fluff holding its breath. (Mike, England)
Q: What's Pink And Fluffy? A: Pink Fluff (Mike, England)
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday! He was playing "On the Road Again". (Jessica, Chicago, IL)
Why do they call the change of life menopause? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (Hemi, Sydney, Australia)
Palindrome Submission: I, Madam! I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I? (Scott, Nova Scotia)
To have someone else's wife is a crime; to have one of your own is punishment! (Alyona, The ICT)
What does Snoop-Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-otch. (Madge, Milwaukee)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the Batmobile." [editor's note: a classic!] (Wade, Blackpool England)
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out playing golf. Moses is up first. He hits his ball and it lands right in the middle of a water trap. So Moses walks over to the water trap, parts the water and hits his ball onto the green. Next is Jesus. He hits the ball and it lands on a lilypad. So Jesus walks on the water to the lilypad and hits it onto the green. Lastly is the old man. He hits his ball up high. As it begins to fall into the water trap, a frog jumps out and swallows it. Then an eagle swoops down and catches the frog. Finally as the eagle takes the frog away, it flies over the green, the frog spits the ball out and it lands for a hole in one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your Father." (Chris, CA)
What has 6 wheels and flies? A trash truck. (Chris, CA)
Nobody's perfect so i'm changin' ma name to nobody. (Fuzzywozzy, Mars)
Why was the garbage bag smiling? Because it was Glad. (Justin Johnson, Elk River, MN)
Proverb: Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life! (Mike, 20 mi S/SE of the middle of nowhere.)
Two buckets of vomit are walking down the street. One of them points at a bit of ground and says "See there? That's where I was brought up". (Piemann, Glasgow)
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam. (Madge, Milwaukee)
Why are pirates so great? They just arrrrrrrrrrr. (Dan, England)
One night George W. Bush could not sleep, and George Washington suddenly appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Washington, tell how to help my people!" Bush said. "Never tell a lie!" Washington replied. The next night W still couldn't sleep when suddenly Thomas Jefferson appeared. "Please Mr. Jefferson, tell me how to help my people!" Bush said. "Try to do what's best for them!" Jefferson replied. The next night Bush still couldn't sleep, and Abraham Lincoln appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Lincoln - tell me how to help my people!" Bush asked. "Go to the theater." Lincoln replied. (Adeline, New York)
A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. The officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?" The Scot replies, "No, I didn't realize you still needed one to get in!" (James, England)
How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. (James, England)
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiiiing." (James, England)
A woman woke her husband one night and said, "There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!" "Oh dear," said her husband. "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?" (James, England)
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets towed away! (Derek, Australia)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a umbrella? Fo' Drizzle! (Gary, CA)
I love comic books. If I could have any super power, I would pick the super power that can pick any super, and I would own the X-men, cause they never lose. I would like divide into 50, then control the X-men's mind, while I'm on a remote beach sipping Coronas. And when I get bored, I'll eat the planet. Then I'd go back in time for seconds, cause planets are delicious. Especially the the red ones. [editor's note: Huh?] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Sign on a shop: We can repair anything! (Knock hard, bell broken) (A. Nonny Mus, In your computer screen)
Have you heard that the priests can kiss the nuns now? It's true, just as long as they don't get in the habit. (Shar, Minneapolis)
How do you know if you've been on a roll? There's butter on the back of your pants! (Berg, Pearsall)
Two grains of sand are in a desert. One turns to the other and says, "Crowded here, isn't it?" (A. Nonny Mus, In your cupboard)
There was a lady who was obsessed with pink. Her house was pink, her clothes were pink, her tables, wallpaper, bed, sheets, shoes, plates, and backyard were all pink. Everything she owned was pink! One night the pink doorbell rang. She got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door and found a tramp standing there. He said, "I seek hospitality, nobody else would take me in." She replied, "There's three spare rooms, pick one." Then the tramp went off. Later that night the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door, and found another tramp there. The tramp asked asked for shelter as well, and took the second spare room. Later that night, the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. Another tramp was standing there, and asked the same thing. He took the last spare room. In the morning, the pink lady was making breakfast. She asked the tramps what they wanted to eat. The first tramp wanted cornflakes. The second wanted Fruit Loops and the third wanted cornflakes. The moral of this story: People like cornflakes more than Fruit Loops. (A. Nonny Mus, Behind you)
Sometimes diapers and politicians have to be changed— and for the same reason. (Ted Bache, California)
ertuuterutut0erut tuerut089erure09ut er0!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [editor's note: This is just how it came in, folks. Sometimes you gotta use your imagination.] (rtihyi, bert)
Oxymoron - Woman Driver (Chri$, Scotland)
Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (PTA, Work)
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change...? (John D., Millville, MA.)
How many Paris Hiltons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She grabs hold, and the world revolves around her. (Daniel K, Mishawaka)
What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (Jake M., Ohio)
What's big, grey and can't climb trees? A parking lot. (Mike O'Rourke, England)
Where do pirates like to get gas? ARRRRRRRRCO (Gary, CA)
(In honor of Henny Youngman) I asked my wife for some hot lovin' - she told me to buy a hand warmer. (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)
Without geometry, life is pointless. (Ryan Mazonis, Auckland, New Zealand)
An out-of-towner takes a cab in New York and, sure enough, a man of a certain ethnicity is driving it. The cabbie drives straight through the first red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights - and neither do my four brothers!" He then proceeds to drive straight through the second red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights and neither do my four brothers!" Next they hit a green light - and the cab comes to a screeching halt. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie turns around and explains "You never know when one of my brothers is coming thru the red light!" (Shashi Malladi, Woodbridge, New Jersey)
"Practice makes perfect", but no one's perfect - so why practice? (Beenish, Lahore, Pakistan)
Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little hoarse! (Joey, California)
How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll do it later. (Charlie, GA)
Rose are red Violets are blue I’m schizophrenic And so am I (Astro, Ontario)
What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (Trent, UT)
Why are lawyers buried 8 feet down instead of 6 feet like everyone else? Deep down, they're really nice guys. (David, CA)
What do you call a pig rolling down a hill? Pork Roll (Krista, Easton PA)
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack (Jake M, Ohio)
Bubba got pulled over by the cops. "Let's see your license," says the cop. "Ain't got one," says Bubba. "Do you have any I.D.?" asks the cop. "About what?" says Bubba. (Jim M, Arkansas)
Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet! (Nate, US)
What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall [editor's note: Boo! But funny!] (Jake M, Ohio)
How many George W. Bushes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, first of all the lightbulb did nothing wrong. Why do you hate freedom? [editor's note: VERY good!] (Jake M., Ohio)
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime? (Jake M, Ohio)
Did you read the news article about the whale? Well, save your time, it blows! (Gary, CA)
There was once a mystical land far away where there was a lever. If you pulled the lever, then the world would end. One day there was a snake named Nate walking along the road, near where the lever was. Nate was highly regarded. A truck driver whose truck had bad brakes came along the road. Nate was there, and the lever was there. The truck driver had to hit one of them. At the last second, he turned and hit Nate, saving the rest of the world. Moral of the story: better Nate than Lever. [editor's note: EXCELLENT!] (Tom, Michigan)
A man of a certain ethnicity finds an old bottle while walking on the beach. He picks it up, and as he's rubbing the sand off of it, a genie pops out. "Well," said the genie, "since you let me out of here, it is my job to grant you three wishes. What would you like for your first wish?" The man thought for a few minutes, and then looked at the genie and said, "I'd like a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry." POOF! A bottle of whiskey appeared in the man's hand. He took several large swigs, and the bottle remained full. "Wow," said the man, "that's really neat! I'll take two more!" (Echostein, Iowa)
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "That will be $2. Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." [editor's note: many people know this joke when the duck buys a condom] (Tony, Kansas)
How come you never see the headline PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY? (Evets, Ontario Canada)
If swimming is so good for your figure, please explain whales! (Evets, Ontario Canada)
Did you hear the joke about the vacuum cleaner? Actually, you don't want to, it sucks. (Scott, Wisconsin)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Pdiddler, CA)
Knock Knock! Who's There? A dumb burglar. (Mark, Texas)
Proverb: If you give a man a fish he can eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will buy a boat and spend the whole day on the lake drinking beer with his idiot buddies. (Mike C, Aurora, IL)
10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizophrenic. (Stephen White, Headlines)
Books you'll never see: "The Most Beautiful Sunsets" - by Helen Keller. "How to Lead a Team to the World Series" - by Barry Bonds. "Ultimate Guide to Acting" - By Keanu Reeves. (Mom, Nowhere)
Why haven't women been to the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning. Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the stove. Why are women's feet smaller then men's? So they can stand closer to the sink. [editor's note: I didn't write these, really. Don't get mad at me!] (Mom, Earth)
The other day my son was asking me about my first car, "What was your first car, Dad?" "It was a '67 bug" "A bug? What's a bug?" He didn't know what a bug was, so then he says, "What did it have under the hood?" I say, "A tire!" They knew how to make them back then. (Mom, A closet)
What do get when you cross Bam-Bam with a ghost? Bamboo (Gary, CA)
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. (Gary, CA)
What's brown and sticky? A stick. ( Gary, CA)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A stick. (Tom, Michigan)
What's a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
A giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and calls out, "High balls are on me!" (PK, Pahonix)
A guy rushes into a bar. He tells the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of the finest scotch you have!" The bartender sets up ten shot glasses, and the guy puts them down as fast as he's pouring them. The bartender says, "Whoa, pal! That's some serious drinking there!" "You'd drink like this, too, if you had what I have." The barkeep asks, "Really? What do you have?" "Seventy-five cents." (PK, Pahonix)
A blind man was terminating his relationship with his girlfriend. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore!" (Gerry, UK)
What do you do when you start seeing a flying dog eating dinner with a baboon? Stop drinking. (Gary, CA)
An eight-year old is talking to his dad and asks him, "Dad - if you hit the lottery, what would you do?" Dad replies, "Ah yes, Paris, champagne, many beautiful women." "And what if you don't hit the lottery?" "Football, beer, and your mom!" (Noe G., Mascotte, FL)
What do you do if you see a Spaceman? Park, Man! (Nyte, London)
After completing his electrical apprenticeship, a young First Nations fellow returns to his reservation with a desire to use his new skills to do something nice for his people. At the entrance to the reservation, there is a massive log arch topped at the center with a huge moose skull and antlers. Our friend gazes up at this and says aloud, "I'm gonna run some colored Christmas lights up there." So he does this - and becomes the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation. [editor's note: Fantastic!] (Bison Milker, British Columbia)
Can cross-eyed school teachers control their pupils? (Sullikr, Anytown USA)
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts! (Rebecca, Saba Island, Caribbean)
What is Postman Pat called after he retires? Pat. [editor's note: I like this. I don't know why, but I do.] (Pat, Anywhere)
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa????? [editor's note: I don't know why I like this one, but I sure do!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
What goes around a button? A billygoat. (Dermy, Bethlehem, PA)
How does a first violinist change a lightbulb? He holds it still while the world revolves around him. [editor's note: Obviously LM is a second violinist!] (LM, Portland, OR)
How many juvenile delinquents does it take to change a light bulb? "&#@$ you!" (Laura, formerly of St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)
Customer: "Hey - do you have Peter Stuyvesant in a small box?" Cashier: "Yes, we do." Customer: "Well let him out or he'll suffocate!" (Guttersludge, Cape Town (RSA))
What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (The Dude, Paradise)
A duck walks into a convenience store. It waddles up to the counter and asks, "Ya got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Nope, we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." So the duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" Again, the clerk says, "Look, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." The duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back again, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Look here duck, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store. Now if you ask again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves once again. The next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any nails?" The clerk says, "No, we don't have any nails." So the duck says, "Okay then, got any duck food?" (T. James, Manitoba, Canada)
Two bananas are sitting along the shore of a river and a turd floats by. The turd says, "Hey guys jump in! The water is warm." One of the bananas leans over to the other and says, "Do you believe this crap?" (Zak Jungers, Morton, IL)
Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (Jesterr, Niagara Falls)
Q: Whadya call a man with banana stuck in each ear? A: Anything you like! He can't hear you! (ba-boom!) ------------------ Thanks for a lovely site. I'll be back, if you'll have me. [editor's note: first time a nice compliment came with a fine joke. Thanks, Barrie!] (Barrie Davis, Guildford, UK)
George Bush Jr., George Bush Sr., and Laura Bush are sitting on a plane. George Bush Jr says, "I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make somebody happy." Then Laura Bush says, "I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Then George Bush Sr, says "I could throw one hundred ones out the window and make one hundred people happy." The pilot turns around and says, "I could throw all three of you out and make everybody happy." (Pappy, California)
Never argue with a woman. Even if you win, she'll make sure you don't enjoy it. (Z, Las Vegas)
The pilot has just finished his little speech but forgot to turn of the micro: "Well, now I'm gonna have myself a Brandy and a cigar and then I'll hit on the new flight attendant." The mentioned flight attendant starts running towards the front cabin but an elderly woman stops her halfway trough: "Wait, dear, you don't have to hurry. He'll first have the Brandy and the cigar." (Phil, New York)
Two Irishmen are in a lifeboat with no hope of rescue. One of them finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie, ready to grant them one wish. One jumps up and shouts, "I wish the ocean were made of Guinness!" *POOF* They're floating in a beer ocean, and the genie disappears. The other Irishman looks at the first and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!" (Starfish, CA)
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T? A teapot. (Gary, CA)
How many penguins does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, penguins never change light bulbs! (Joby, India)
How do you drown a Blonde? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. (Richie Kammer, Washington)
I learned something new today, our town's death rate is one per person. (Wilbur Hart, Clements, CA)
Customer: This coffee tastes like dirt! Waiter: That's odd, it was ground this morning. [editor's note: A classic. Thanks, Pam!] (Pam Olson, Bakersfield, CA)
Paddy and Murphy are walking down a street. Paddy falls down a hole so Murphy asks, "Is it dark down there?". Paddy replies, "I don't know, I can't see." [editor's note: this is a fine joke!] (Jake D, England)
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (Sam Hight, New Zealand)
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they like to cry in the dark. (Walrus, California)
Flight Attendant: "Sorry it is taking so long to take off. It isn't our planes' fault, frankly it's the asphalt." (Andrew, Washington)
Why do men fish? They just do it for the halibut. (Borys T, Alberta, Canada)
What's the difference between a red light and a green light? The color. (Munkey?, Look Behind You)
Another for the "insults" page: "He's not running on all thrusters" (I got that from one of the older Star Trek movies) (Tom Meyers, Mt. Prospect, IL)
Co - Pilot: "Gee, Skip, look down there - those people look like ants!" Pilot: "They are ants, kid - we haven't taken off yet." (Steve Utting, United Kingdom)
The most important piece of advice I'm giving to my son is: When you and your new bride go furniture shopping, YOU pick the couch. You'll be thankful later. (Sunit, Winter Haven, FL)
Women's Rights! [editor's note: I assume this is meant to be an oxymoron.] (Tina Web, Vernon, NJ)
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? One writes the action plan, all the others arrange a symposium called "Coping with darkness." (Harry, Balham, London)
How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't you worry yourself, I'll just sit here on my own in the dark. (Harry, Balham, London)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." [editor's note: Why do I think I've lost all the woman readers now?] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there. (Jesse, Pittsburgh)
These 2 (insert your favorite ethnicity here) men were walking thru Central Park in New York. They were both mugged and one of them has his ear cut off! After seeing the doctor, they returned to the park looking for the missing ear. One man said to the other, "I think this is your ear on the ground!" The other said, "It can't be, mine had a pencil behind it." (Larry, Holbrook, New York)
How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb? Three, one to do it and two to say "You're looking huge, man, you're looking huge!" [editor's note: I can picture Hans and Franz doing this one...] (Larry, South Australia)
Yo mama so ugly the government moved halloween to her birthday. (VV, Unimportant)
When a telemarketer calls, or anyone calls, pick up the phone and whisper, "I missed you." [editor's note: Huh?] (Mandy, Grove City)
A guy goes into a McDonalds store 5 minutes before closing. He says, "Do you have any Big Macs left?" The girl says, "Sure, we've got lots." He says, "Well, it serves you right for cooking so many." (Paul Buckberry, Sydney, Australia)
A sign at a photo shop: "Have your kids shot while you wait." (John, Garfield, NJ)
A sign in a cafeteria reads: "Shoes are Required to Eat In The Cafeteria." Apparently, socks can eat whereever they want. (John, Garfield, NJ)
What's yellow and falls out of trees? Monkey vomit. [editor's note: this is just gross. Marginal humor, but I'll let it slide in - pun intended.] (Matt, Melb Australia)
On the path in life, i took I-95. Unluckily for me, there was a crash ahead and it's rush hour. [editor's note: Not too sure why this is funny, but funny is in the eye of the beholder.] (Stephen, Middleboro)
If life had brakes, I would have stopped a long time ago. (Stephen, Middleboro)
How many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, their wives do it. [editor's note: very good addition to the bulb jokes] (VV, Unknown)
A belge and teo americans are on a plane about to crash. One american says to the Belge "if you jump on a cloud you'll jump right back into the plane." The Belge didn't believe him so the american did it and bounced back in the plane. The Belge was convinced and jumped off the plane to his death. The other american turned to the one who jumped on the cloud and said "SUPERMAN YOU BASTARF" [editor's note: I included this as is, the joke is old, but the humor in this is in the delivery. I did not correct spelling - that's why I love it! BASTARF!] (vv, Unimportant)
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. (Lensky, One Liners)
How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? Wave (JP Baker, St.Louis, MO)
A guy goes into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." The guy says, "Wow, what's the worse news?" The doctor says, "You have cancer." The guy says, "Man, that's bad. What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's." The guy says, "Well at least I don't have cancer!" (Gary, California)
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. (Frank, Cleveland)
Dyslexics untie! (Frank, Cleveland)
Guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!!!" (Remedi, Phoenix, AZ)
Patient: "Doctor, I cant feel my legs!" Doctor: "That's because I've amputated your arms." (Nick, Bristol, UK)
Two turtles decided to go on a camping trip and also decided to bring a basket filled with beer and sandwiches. So the 2 turtles found a perfect spot near a river after walking for 5 days. The 2 turtles were about to eat when one turtle says to the other, "We forgot the bottle opener. One of us has to go back." The other turtle quickly responds, "I'm not going back. If I go, then you're gonna eat all the sandwiches!" The first turtle then replies, "No I won't. Just go." So the 2nd turtle starts to go back. After 2 weeks, the 2nd turtle never came back. The first turtle is so hungry, he decides to eat one of the sandwiches. When the first turtle starts to bite the sandwich, the 2nd turtle quickly yells from a rock, "Ah HAH! I knew you were gonna eat the sandwich!" (Gary, California)
There was a young magician who just got into the practice of magic. But he had a pet bird that would ruin his magic tricks. The bird would say, "There's a card under his sleeve." So one day, the magician and the bird were on a cruise ship. The cruise ship sank and out of all odds, the bird and the magician where in the same boat. After 2 days of awkward silence at sea, the bird finally says, "All right, what did you do with the boat?" [editor's note: Huh?] (Gary, California)
A man is driving along a freeway until he sees a lone indian. The man picks up the indian and they both drive in awkward silence. The indian sees a bag on the floor and asks, "What is that?" The man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The indian replies, "Good trade." [editor's note: a take off on an old Henny Youngman joke.] (Gary, California)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How the heck do you drive this thing?" [editor's note: This is a great joke!] (Gary, California)
She's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and she tried to put it out with a screwdriver. [editor's note: this is a nasty joke. But still pretty good.] (Joel, Iowa)
How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes! [editor's note: I can't believe this isn't on the main "Bulb" page. Good catch, Bub!] (Bub, Los Angeles, CA)
Two guys walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it. [editor's note: surprised this wasn't on the main "bar" page!] (Mark Lee, Guy Walks Into a Bar)
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (Atom, Ionic City, Quark)
Why does a drummer keep his drum sticks on the dash of his car?? So he can park in handicapped spots. [editor's note: substitute your favorite group in this joke.] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!!! [editor's note: Good!] (Regina, Nome, Alaska)
Why do people love mushrooms? They are such fun guys! [editor's note: a classic] (Gary, California)
Why is an orange orange? So it can roll better. [editor's note: I like it!] (Peter, South Africa)
A drummer walks into a music store and decides to play another instrument. He walks up to the cashier and says, "I would like to buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "Oh, you must be a percussionist!" "How do you know?" "Because that's the radiator!" [editor's note: Pretty good, Atom!] (Atom, Ionic City ,Qark)
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small (two-seater) Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. [editor's note: Nice work, Jim! For you politically correct folks, please substitute any other ethnicity/religion/group where necessary.] (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
Three guys who hated pasta were meeting at work. The first guy, Joe, opens his lunch to find spaghetti. The second guy, Jake, opens it to find ravioli. the third guy, Bob, opes it to find regatoni. The three men all say " If I ever get pasta again, I'll jump off the first skyscraper I find." The next day, the three get pasta again, so they each jump off a skyscraper to end their lives. At the funeral, two mothers are crying, but one is not. The two crying mothers ask the unresponsive one "why aren't you crying? Your son is dead!" The seemingly unconcerned mother takes a sip of wine, looks at the others and boldly exclaims: "Why should I care, he packed his own lunch! [editor's note: this is a take-off on a much shorter joke with the same punch line.] (JJ, Montreal)
Difference between making out and making love: 3 seconds. [editor's note: I really don't get this one, but maybe I'm missing something.] (Satyajit Neelam, Hyderabad)
I'm determined only to have a maximum of three kids, because I have heard that one out of four children born in the world is Chinese! (Bruno, San Diego, CA)
It's been a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline. Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom. (Dutch, Escondido, CA)
There's no "us" in "team" either! (Bennett, NYC)
To err is human, to blame someone else shows good management skills. (Jordan, San Jose)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshoper said, "You have a drink names Stanley?" (Courtney, Bryan)
Acronyms: PMS - Potential Murder Suspect (Travis, CA)
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Duct tape is like "The Force" - it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Travis, CA)
Why is it bad to play poker in the savanna? There might be a Cheetah. (Gary, CA)
My new workout plan is working - I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. To work at Starbucks, do you have to graduate Magnum Cum Latte? (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta)
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. (Louie, Guy Walks Into A Bar)
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (Victor, South Africa)
Oxymoron: Literal Interpretation (Billnes, ??)
WRONG LYRICS Merrilee Rush "Angel of the Morning" / "Just cash my check before you leave me" (Darrell, Kentucky)
Wow! You have got the most beautiful legs. When do they open? (Sanji, San Diego)
Bumper sticker: My gamer fragged your honor student! (Shaun, Lexington, AL)
Shortest books: Healthy Fast Food (insanetrombone, Crazyland)
God made man. Then God said, "I can do better," and there was woman. (Amanda, New York)
Sign on a Septic Tank Business -- We're #1 in the #2 business. (Scott, Illinois)
Money flies when you're having fun. (Victor, South Africa)
I love kids! Lets exchange recipes! Bumper Sticker: Squirrels - Nature's speed bumps. (Brandi, Huntsville)
Are board games supposed to make you bored? (Matt, Bridgeport)
Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (Brett Jones, Ohio)
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was in school, he was in a play about classical composers. The teacher asked him, "Would you like to be Mozart or Beethoven?" Arnold said, "I'll be Bach." (Jordan, San Jose)
For God's sake… why are you hanging around with atheists? (Dick, Savage, MN)
(bumper sticker) Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! (brett, ohio)
What do you call twin babies that are waiting to be born? Wombmates. (Tom, New Jersey)
How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency. (brett jones, coventry)
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. (Jordan, San Jose)
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks "olive or twist?" (Ric, Alice, TX)
This was reported in the New York Post - Headless Body Found in Topless Bar. (Larry, Headlines)
Insult: Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road. (Dewey Baker, Salem, Oregon)
Bumper Sticker: Stable Relationships are for Horses (Graham, Australia)
Daffynitions: Barbecue - A line of people waiting for a hair cut. Buoyant - A young male insect. Myth - A female moth. Will- A dead giveaway (Daniel C, Ipswich)
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor, after running a few tests, tells him, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimer's disease." The patient says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer." Another man goes up to a doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a pool ball." And the doctor says, "Get back to the end of the queue." (Erica, San Diego, CA)
Light bulb jokes: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? HEY, that's not funny! How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you should have seen the lightbulb! It was THIS big! How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? Three; one to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part, and one to say it won't be here until Thursday. How many rich kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None; if the lightbulb goes out Daddy buys them a new apartment. (Erica, San Diego, CA)
how many gt kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whell in astro nomic conitions many phaamones are used but if many geonomes etc ...translation: 1. [editor's note: Uh....OK?!] (kyle, nj)
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? (Victor, South Africa)
Oxymoron: Country Music (Cute Kate, SoCal)
The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open!! (Evets, Ontario Canada)
I am too young to be old. (Victor Kalbskopf, South Africa)
Bumper stickers: "Custer wore an Arrow shirt." "The winner of a rat race is still a rat." (Jake, Colorado)
Q:How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? A: Ask him for his autograph. Ouch! (Ward, State)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. (Jake M., Ohio)
My dyslexic friend said he liked "101 Dalmatians", and he learned a lot about the dog breed but he thought his instructor was a little tough. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)
Bumper Sticker: IF YOU OBSERVE THIS VEHICLE BEING OPERATED IN AN UNSAFE MANNER, PLEASE TRY TO THINK OF IT AS ONE MORE ANOMALY IN THE COSMIC ORDER. (Clement Anthony, Dumfries, USA)
A man was examined at a hospital and is now waiting for the doctor's results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news, you're going to die in 10." "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks? Days?" The doctor says, "9..8..7..6..5.." (Ben, Hyrule)
You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God you're right! I never would've thought of that!" (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
To err is human, to moo bovine. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Animal testing is a bad idea, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
A buddist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The vendor says, "That's $2.50." The monk gives him $5.00, and says, "Where's the change?" The vendor says, "Change must come from within." (Steve, Ontario, Canada)
What do you call a backwards looking monkey? Just look in the mirror! (Kiara, Hell)
Bumper sticker: Jesus is coming. Look busy! (Buddy, ??)
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes? Who was the first to see a cow and think, "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" What's the speed of dark? (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)
Her family came from the ugly tree and unfortunately she hit every branch on the way down! (Steve M, Belleville, Canada)
Cruise Lines: Newlyweds, Over-feds, and nearly deads! (Jaime, Nebraska)
Pickup Line - If I were to ask you for a kiss, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? (Kelwin, United States)
If assh***s could fly this place would be an airport! (Philo, Peterborough, Ontario)
A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (Gary, Hagerstown, MD)
Bumper Sticker: I Love Animals... They're Delicious (Ryan, New Zealand)
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Guy: "Well, what's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Guy: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I forgot to call you yesterday!" (Sarah, Georgia)
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't - there is a clock on the oven. (Shane, Somewherethatyoudon'tknowsothatyouwon'tbeatmeforthesejokes)
You can be daddy's little girl, and people think it's cute. But if you are mommy's little boy and you're 30 and live in the basement you're considered weird. Just say no to double standards. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
An advantage of being over 65: If you do something good you can show people your birth certificate, but if you mess up you can show people your birth certificate. (dsmeth, olds)
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy praticing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. (Tananda, Bumper Stickers)
The fact that no one understands you does NOT mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't care. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. You sound reasonable, it must be time to up my medication. (Victor, South Africa)
The last thing I need to worry about are my anxiety disorders! (Patrick, Atlanta, GA)
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor: "Make me one with everything." [editor's note: I love it!] (Carroll Brown, Ocala, Florida)
Bumper Sticker: Adjure Obfuscation (Betty, Texas)
If you are called by a telemarketer, claim that you are a telemarketer from a rival company and attempt to sell them something. (Curtis, Utica)
My wife and I have just taken life insurance policies on each other -now it is just a waiting game. We have 3 beautiful children. We actualy have 4 children but only 3 beautiful ones. (Victor, South Africa)
Could you play 'sole' music with a shoe horn? Put the magic back in your relationship: DISAPPEAR! When you sneeze,do all the numbers in your head go up by one? Can you find 'buck teeth' at the Dollar Store? (Charley, Edmonton, AB, Canada)
Why are wedding gowns white? So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator. What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag you? It means the rope is too long. [editor's note: These are Steve's jokes, not mine. Don't send me hate mail. ;^)] (Steve, Long Island, NY)
Florida: Newly wed or nearly dead. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
Rumor has it Saddam didn't fit in his pine box. They measured him before instead of after. (D. Smeth, Olds, AB, Canada)
Oxymoron: Conservative movement (Larry, Desk)
People in metal houses shouldn't throw magnets. (Victor, South Africa)
Finally, after years of trying to reach the mind of a teenage son, the father - with his eyes full of love and satisfaction - says to his son, "Yes, son. You can listen to my Santana albums!" (M. Prouder, Nashville, TN)
PMS: Potential Murder Suspect (I, CUP)
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want? If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Since bread is square, then why is baloney round? Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas? When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh? Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more? Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Is sign language the same in languages other than English? Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? There is no "o" in number! Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? It would be more fun to eat thea big one! Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? (Shane, Diagonal in a parrallel universe)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The shrink says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement! (Shane, North Pole)
If a cow and an igneous rock get married and decide to have kids, would they or would they not have 9 female cheesecakes? (Shane, North Pole)
Bumper sticker: I plan to live forever, so far so good! (Jake M, Ohio)
I have CDO disorder: it's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order (as it should be). (Jake M, Ohio)
Did you here about the cowardly dragon? He only preyed on weak knights. (Ellethom, Chicago)
Only in America do healthy people buy cigarettes in the front of the store, but sick people have to go all the way to the back to get their medicine! Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. (Imani, Massachusetts)
You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on your incubator! (Imani, Massachusetts)
Bumper Sticker: Honk if the twins fall out. (Will, Toronto)
Can you get cornered in a round room? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why do we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? (Shane, Somewhere over the Rainbow)
I only had two conversations with this guy who could talk your arm off, before I finally realized he was also trying to pull my leg. (Hop, Indy)
This is for the Bad Literature section: She waltzed around the ballroom with him for what seemed like hours as she gazed into his eyes falling madly in love with him and fantasizing about how glorious their life would be if they were husband and wife, and then she winced as the sharp heel of his black leather boot landed squarely on her toe and she realized that it just wasn’t going to work out between them. (Joan, America)
Strangely the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer in the slow-motion replay! (Shane, Newfoundland)
Did you hear about the new German/Chinese restaurant? The food is great but in an hour you're hungry again..for power. (Rick, Canada)
For Pickup Lines: Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants. Are your pants from outerspace, or is your butt just out of this world? (Amanda, Pittsburgh)
He could kill himself by jumping from his shoe size to his IQ. (Sylvia Van Wyck, Belgium)
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... (Shane, Greenland)
Wrong Lyrics: For Tina Turner's 'Steamy Windows' song I thought it was about some guy named Stevie Wigno. It was on the radio all the time when I was a kid and I hated it. I asked my family, "Who the hell cares about Stevie Wigno anyways?" They've made fun of me ever since. (Lia, Ontario)
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? "Cute as a button" - Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? (Shane, Polar Regions)
Golden, ripe, boneless bananas; 27 cents a pound! (Shane, North Pole)
(This is for the state-motto section) Arkansas: Literasy Ain't Everthang (Shane, North Pole)
Constipated people don't give a crap! (Shane, North Pole)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 119 of them will slip you into a coma. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? 2: 1 to drop it and 1 to say "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up". (Connor, Oregon)
Have you ever noticed that there are neither Hs nor Os in "water"? (Lex, MD)
Somewhere along the line, I think something got genetically messed up. (Shane, North Pole)
This is a quote (I've been told by my father, who is a reliable source) from Yogi Berra: Yogi is bumped into by a man moving a grandfather clock. The man says, "I'm sorry." Yogi says to him, "Why can't you just wear a watch like everybody else?" (MKNZ, Vero Beach)
Why is it that every time I try to tell a lengthy joke, I end up screwing it up? (Shane, North Pole)
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke 'em on. (Gary, CA)
How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey guys, I finally found the recipes for egg salad! (Shane, North Pole)
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who prays to Santa? (Jake Moon, Ohio)
Elevator fun: Sit inside with a desk, pen holder, a few folders and a telephone. Whenever someone walks in ask them if they have an appointment. [editor's note: this would take a LOT of preparation, but good!] (Shoaib, UK)
Some people look at a beer as half gone or half full. I think who the hell's been drinking my beer. (Jeff, Okanogan)
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar, all drinking beers. 3 flies come in and land right in each beer. The Scottish man drinks the beer and the fly. The English man takes out the fly, flicks it away, and drinks the beer. The irish man takes out the fly and screams, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!" (Matt the Phat, Bridgeport)
A very religious man falls into quicksand. Some firefighters come by and offer a helping hand, but he says: "No thanks, God will help me." Twice again they come by and he refuses their help. He then sinks to his death. In heaven, he angrily asks God why he didn't save him, but God says, "What about those firefighters I sent three times?" (Patrick, Montreal)
I know it is not a genuine new joke : Beauty*Wit*Availability=k where k is a constant always equal to zero. (Patrick, Montreal)
For Daffynitions: Naggravator: the person in the passenger seat who's having trouble reading the directions or map. Also - anyone who's helping to drive, but not actually behind the wheel. (Michele T., Pennsylvania)
Why did Superman take his dog for a walk? Because it had sore legs! (EGG, Sydney, Australia)
Pickup line: Did you just fart? Because you blew me away. (Meg, Colorado)
This one is true - The Southwest Airlines flight attendant said this as the plane stopped and the door was opened: "Okay, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday: 'GET OUTTA HERE!'" (Fred, San Antonio)
Bumper Sticker: I had the right to remain silent but I didn't have the ability. (Kenneth Dockery, Florida)
A young man had a job for the local village of ringing the tower bell everyday at noon. He got sick one morning and called his twin brother to ring it for him. His twin brother said he didn't know how. "It is easy, just push the bell straight out and move out of the way." The brother climbed up into the tower, and pushed the bell at noon just like he was told, but he forgot to move out of the way. When the bell came back it hit him right in the face and knocked him out of the tower to the ground. Two villagers came up. One says, "I'm not sure who that is, but his face rings a bell." The other says, "He's a dead ringer for his brother." (Hop, Indy)
Last night I dreamed I wrote 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realized I'd just been Tolkien in my sleep. (LOLOMFGFunnay!, The Internets)
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station. (Robert, Champion, OH)
Did you hear about the dyslexic cook that made me a tender lion? (Hop, Indy)
World's Shortest Books: How to Find and Capture Osama Bin Laden, by Every Government Agency (VV, Look Around)
One of the Shortest Books: Motherhood by Britney Spears (Keith, Valdosta, GA)
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him...a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (Colleen, Windsor, Connecticut)
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. (Cid, Here)
A man decides that he is lonely and would like to have a pet. So he goes down to the pet store, but he doesn't really see anything he likes. The store owner suggests to the man that he get one of their new talking centipedes. The man gets one and goes home. The next day, the man gets ready for church, and says into the centipede's box, "I am going to church, would you like to go with me?" No answer - "Of course it doesn't really talk," the man thought. He tried this again, this time yelling into the box. Still no answer. The third time he shouted louder. This time the centipede answered! He said, "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!" (Michelle, Williamstown, KY)
Laughter is the best medicine, and your face is curing the world! (Matthew, Bridgeport)
The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. (Matt, Bridgeport)
You can only make the mistake of petting a shark twice. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
A frog walks into a bank. He needs a loan, so he walks up to the teller whose name is Miss Patty Wak. He asks for the loan and she says, "You're a frog! I can't give you a loan." The frog replies, "But my dad is Mick Jagger! You have to give me this loan!" Patty says,"OK, but I need a collateral in order to give you any money at all." "Here," the frog says, "I have this miniature statue of the Eiffel Tower. That'll work, right?" "I'll have to ask my boss," Patty says. Patty asks her boss, "He says his dad is Mick Jagger, and he gave me this little statue for collateral? What should I do?" So her boss quickly responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!" (Hector, Miami)
What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." [editor's note: EXCELLENT pun!] (Wayfarer, Malaysia)
I recently tried some organic foods - the first item on my list was barbecue sauce. It was certified organic, and on the label it lists all the ingredients and there is a star next to all the ingredents that are organic. Water was the first ingredient, but it did not have the organic star. That scares me just a little bit. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Shortest Book: Jewish Sports Legends (Larry the K, Here)
Syndrome: committing wrongdoing in the Vatican City. (Jeff Dudley, Tennessee)
What do you tell a atheist when he sneezes? (Mike Jurdhen, WSuuhhHHH)
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test? (Sam, Colorado)
Acupuncture isn't all that crazy a thing to try - it's pretty logical if you think about it. "Yeah, that needle in my eye totally made me forget about the pain in my arm." (Shea, Texas)
Some see the glass as half empty, others as half full. I just see the glass as too big!! In Africa, when a lion escapes from the circus, how do they know when they've caught the right one? I met a woman named 'Viamonte.' I said, "Wow! You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Would lactose intolerant people have to go to the "Non-Dairy Queen"? For those T-shirts that say "Guess" on the front, I think they should print the answers on the back. Can midgets be paid under the table? Do imaginary people have 'real' friends? It's time to diet if your car's seat belts have stretch marks. Would a police van loaded with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Daffynitions - Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way. (Bob Z., Sauk Village, IL.)
I tried to build a dog house the other day, but I only had enough dogs to build three walls [editor's note: Excellent! Best joke in months!] (Bennett, NY)
What's the point of mint-flavored dental floss? The only thing I ever taste when I floss is blood and chicken. (Bennett, NY)
A liquor salesman decides to retire after 35 years and move to the wilds of Alaska. He buys a cabin 60 miles from town and goes there once a month to get his mail and groceries. One day there's a knock on the door, opening it he sees a 6 foot 6, 285 pound man with a beard down to his belly. The man says, "Hi, my name is Lars. I'm your neighbor and I live 40 miles from here and I want to invite you to my Christmas party this Friday." The salesman says, "I'd love to go." Lars explains,"I've got to warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting and for sure some wild sex." The salesman replies, "I'm used to liquor, I get along well with people and some wild sex sounds pretty good about know." As Lars turns to leave, the salesman asks, "Hey, Lars, what should I wear?" Lars smiles and says, " It don't matter, it's just going to be you and me." (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)
If you get ' Mono' twice, isn't that 'Stereo'? Are 'trans fats' regular fats that like to dress like a woman? Can bald people get a hairline fracture? If life's 'ups and downs' bother you, get off the elevator. I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was just a small fire! (Charley, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Don't drink and drive: Pull over, drink, then drive (repeat as needed). (Scott, Texas)
What did one hungry computer say to the other? I can sure go for a byte! (Gary, CA)
If the Italian mafia was responsible for spam, then I know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is. He is quite delicious! (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
I used to be a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I worked at a frozen-food factory once and I got fresh one day so they canned me. (Johnnie, Trenton, NJ)
I'm always looking for the first sign of the apocalypse, but I can't read so I hope they have pictures. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
I like Fruit Loops because fruit tastes better in little circles. My Frosted Flakes melted in the summer. (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first! What's happened to the education system? When I pass a school zone there are signs that say "Drive carefully - slow children! How do you write zero in Roman numerals? Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives? Why is it called Rush Hour when you don't move? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Did you hear about the man who stole the clock? He is doing time for it. (Sonia/Subin, Sung)
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself. (Sonia, Sung)
Why do they call it a building if it's already built? (Ben, Sandwich Island)
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it, so when a polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole! (Ireland, Utah)
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. Above all else - SKY (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first? The blonde - she drowns in the emo kid's tears. (Me, Australia)
I told my girlfriend I loved her so much that I would go through hell for her. Now we are married. (Kartik, New Delhi)
If a sweat shop makes sweat pants but nobody was around to sweat, does that mean Jesus didn't exist? [editor's note: maybe this belongs in the "Huh?" section.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
How many weeks are there in a light year? How do you get off a nonstop flight? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? How do blind people know when they're done wiping? One nice thing about Egotists; they don't talk about other people. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?? [editor's note: Evets comes through with some good ones! E-mail me, please, Evets!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Light travels faster than sound; that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
I've been sober for about 296 days now. Not in order, of course. (Lykez, OMG)
I told my parents I wanted to be a stand-up comedian and they laughed in my face. A police officer pulled me over and asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Man, you should really ask a psychic" (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach, FL)
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire! When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Evets, Ontario Canada)
The 'Moral Majority' is neither. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)
My drinking team has a bowling problem. (Bromond, Lansing, IL)
Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us might have never been born. (Levi, Lyons)
How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's sign off the top. (Jen'fer, Michigan)
I wanted to buy a ball but I was short on cash so I asked the salesman, "How much without the air?" I bought brown underwear so that when I get really scared people won't notice. I got fired from my job as a tour guide for saying things like, "If you look to the left you're gullible" and "if you look to the right you'll miss whatever's going on at the right." I punched a wall, it yelled "ouch!" I got tired of treasure hunting all day so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". I got run over by an ambulance, thank God. (Kyle, Philippines)
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. (S. Kennedy, Poulsbo, WA)
There are three things that prove Jesus might be a Californian. - He never cut his hair, He walked around barefoot, and He started a new religion. There are also three things that might prove that Jesus was a woman - He fed 5000 men with no notice and no food, He tried to talk to men but they didn't understand, and even when he was dead he had to get up because there was work to do. (Stephen, Florida)
Did you hear about the electrician on the ship? It ran aground. I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them I'm psychic. If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll all be in a jam. (Hop, Indy)
Did you year about the two maggots making love in dead Ernest? (papadog65, Lakewood, WA)
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. What's green and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise. (Ghost, New Zealand)
After having his car stereo stolen more then 4 times, a young man got fed up and wrote "NO CAR STEREO," and left it under his passenger windshield wiper when parking. Upon returning to his car, he noticed his note was moved. He went inside his car, looked behind the note, and on the "NO CAR STEREO" note it said, "JUST CHECKING" (Gary, CA)
I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. I told a hyena some of my jokes, he stopped laughing. I needed some explosives so I went dynamite fishing. My friend asked me, "What do you drive?" I said, "I drive my parents crazy." I lost 40 pounds. I'm still looking for it. My car brakes weren't working so I bought an anchor. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy - I'd rather shout than own a cellphone. I had to cancel my plans for building a fireworks factory because the only spot left was next to a zippo factory. (Kyle, Philippines)
if vampires have no reflection,how come they have such neat hair? Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them! He who laughs last thinks the slowest! When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't! I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory! It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. A cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the cost of living. [editor's note: more good ones!] (Evets, Ontario Canada)
the pepole on this site joker r so bad well i dont evin need 2 make a joke look at thim there the punch line [editor's note: No editing done on this one, obviously!] (sam worthinton, mansfild ohio)
I saw a chicken crossing the road and decided to ask him what the point was. He said, "I'll tell you if you say why you are talking to a chicken?" O I said, "Good point!" My friend has a problem with marijuana: Tthe weather man said there would be a flash flood and to get to higher ground, he went to my school's bottom stairwell. I whistled in a lake and a dogfish came. Frogs aren't endangered because of pollution - it's that damn fifth leg that gets in the way. My math class is so boring I made a full length film on my calculator, I got an A+. I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, and they were out - what the hell? (Schmidty, MN)
To relieve stress hire someone to massage it. I'm a recovering alchoholic - once my beer belly is gone (and I can stand up again) I'm getting me another bottle. I feel sorry for the 701st guy who wanted to join the 700 club. My car likes to chase it's tailpipe. If I'm about to be executed I want my last meal to be drive-thru. I remember being in my mother's womb - I wrote "Kyle was here". My friend asked me, "What do you do?" I said, "I work in a toy factory." He said, "How much do you make?" I said, "About 10 toys a day." I enrolled for self-defense just in case I want to kill myself. [editor's note: Kyle strikes again!] (Kyle, Philippines)
A man walks into a bar with a Rhino. The man and the rhino proceed to get drunk. Eventually, the rhino collapses on the floor and passes out. The bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man yells out, "It's not a lion, it's a rhino!" (Gary, CA)
The indians of a local tribe asked their chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief didn't know so he said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." Being a good chief, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" The guy said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." The chief then tells his tribe to gather more wood as its going to be a cold winter. The chief calls the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a REALLY cold winter?" The guys said, "Yes, its going to be cold." The chief then tells his tribe to pick up the wood gathering process and calls the National Weather Service and asks, "Is it going to be a REALLY REALLY cold winter? The guy says, "Yes. The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." [editor's note: Whew!] (Miso, Happy)
How come outlets are electrical and inlets are geographical? The platypus was created by God when he was a teenager and experimenting with drugs. That is also when he created lawyers and mother-in-laws. You can tell Saturn is the richest planet because of all its rings. In other news, a small country in Asia is first to elect a monkey as president. The U.S. replies, "We did that first." [editor's note: Giving Kyle some competition! Kyle and Schmidty: PLEASE E-MAIL ME. Let's get you guys your own page!] (Schmidty, MN)
If a mime trips in a forest and no one is around to not hear it, is he still silent? (Schmidty, MN)
I joined a secret club - I went to a meeting and the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I said, "I don't know - aren't you supposed to know that?" I think people kick other people because they can't afford a ball. I think medals are overrated but that's just me being a sore loser. I think bears are cute until the moment of attack. Life begins when you're born and ends with an "E". I have a split personality - my other self is an insomniac so I have to sleep with one eye open. I gave my niece 10 bucks. The next day I remembered I didn't have a niece. I went to an art gallery and I saw a Van Gogh - it was really fast. (Kyle, Philippines)
I want to open a sports drink company and call it Human-ade, cause gators never get thristy. Well, I suppose they could, but the way they show it is by biting you in the neck and spinning around really fast. But by then it would be too late to get them a glass a water. [editor's note: Hmmmm. OK.] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way. (CW, Margaritaville)
If Johnny cracked corn and no one cared, how come they wrote a song about him? (Robbie, LaLaLand)
What does an insomniac dyslexic atheist do at night? He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. (Auggie, PA)
Do you even look at these before you release them? It's your web site. You don't have to post every submission given to you. You're allowed to trash the ones that don't make any sense. Some of these are way too stupid. How about a little discrimination? [editor's note: I read each and every one of them. I am very discriminating - about half of the submissions don't make it on the site. I read your comments - and posted them too. Perhaps that WAS my error. ;^)] (Astro, Canada)
2 carrots are walking down the street. A car swerves off the road and runs one of them over. The ambulance takes the injured carrot to the hospital and his friend rides along. At the hospital, after a long wait, the doctor speaks with the uninjured carrot: "Your friend will live.... but he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life." (Ed, Levittown, PA)
An Irishman walks out of a bar... Hey, it COULD happen! (credit to My lovely rose) (Thorn, Atlanta, GA)
I had to catch a train so I wore a really big baseball glove. It's hard for me to write jokes - I have a lot of ideas, but I dont know how to write. I have a masters degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return it in 2 days. I saw a sign when I was walking that said "Warning: I may warn you about something". My phone was busted and I wanted to order some food so I went to the restaurant, I told them my order, then I went home and waited for it to be delivered. I bought a mansion the other day. It was on a monopoly board. I wonder how you make something invisible disappear? People are 75% water - how come when I fall down I don't make a splashing sound? I wonder how you water a power plant. I'm green minded but don't get me wrong I just love plants. I think it's about time we made bathrooms for birds to avoid any more accidents. [editor's note: Wow! Mitch Hedberg lives! Send more, Kyle!] (Kyle, Philippines)
I always find it hard to read a book in a movie theater. I'm afraid of heights so I really can't stand watching a basketball game. One time I was channel surfing and then I almost drowned. I think staying at home is the safest form of travel. One time, I wanted rice for dinner but didn't know where I can get any so I got married that afternoon. I couldn't afford a dog so I bought a fur coat instead. I go to a very prestigious university and every morning I mop the floors there. One time, I needed a haircut so I converted to buddhism. I have a semi-automatic oven.I have to check on it every 5 minutes just to see if its still running. (Kyle, Philippines)
Men are living proof that women can take a joke. (Alana Eckelberry, Alma, Kansas)
That guy was so ugly when he was a kid, his parents had to keep him in the closet and feed him with a slingshot! (Steven K. G., Pennsylvania)
Bumper Sticker: I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy (Steve, Colorado)
Bumper Sticker: In case of Rapture... can I have your car? (Ariana Moseley, New Mexico)
Political Science question: If Russia attacked Turkey in the rear, would Greece help? (Seedy, Washington)
"It's like shooting snipers in a barrel." (fourthgen, Huh?)
8 out of 10 cats we asked said "Meow!" (Mike, England)
Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Pink fluff holding its breath. (Mike, England)
Q: What's Pink And Fluffy? A: Pink Fluff (Mike, England)
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday! He was playing "On the Road Again". (Jessica, Chicago, IL)
Why do they call the change of life menopause? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (Hemi, Sydney, Australia)
Palindrome Submission: I, Madam! I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I? (Scott, Nova Scotia)
To have someone else's wife is a crime; to have one of your own is punishment! (Alyona, The ICT)
What does Snoop-Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-otch. (Madge, Milwaukee)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the Batmobile." [editor's note: a classic!] (Wade, Blackpool England)
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out playing golf. Moses is up first. He hits his ball and it lands right in the middle of a water trap. So Moses walks over to the water trap, parts the water and hits his ball onto the green. Next is Jesus. He hits the ball and it lands on a lilypad. So Jesus walks on the water to the lilypad and hits it onto the green. Lastly is the old man. He hits his ball up high. As it begins to fall into the water trap, a frog jumps out and swallows it. Then an eagle swoops down and catches the frog. Finally as the eagle takes the frog away, it flies over the green, the frog spits the ball out and it lands for a hole in one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your Father." (Chris, CA)
What has 6 wheels and flies? A trash truck. (Chris, CA)
Nobody's perfect so i'm changin' ma name to nobody. (Fuzzywozzy, Mars)
Why was the garbage bag smiling? Because it was Glad. (Justin Johnson, Elk River, MN)
Proverb: Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life! (Mike, 20 mi S/SE of the middle of nowhere.)
Two buckets of vomit are walking down the street. One of them points at a bit of ground and says "See there? That's where I was brought up". (Piemann, Glasgow)
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam. (Madge, Milwaukee)
Why are pirates so great? They just arrrrrrrrrrr. (Dan, England)
One night George W. Bush could not sleep, and George Washington suddenly appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Washington, tell how to help my people!" Bush said. "Never tell a lie!" Washington replied. The next night W still couldn't sleep when suddenly Thomas Jefferson appeared. "Please Mr. Jefferson, tell me how to help my people!" Bush said. "Try to do what's best for them!" Jefferson replied. The next night Bush still couldn't sleep, and Abraham Lincoln appeared. "Oh please, Mr. Lincoln - tell me how to help my people!" Bush asked. "Go to the theater." Lincoln replied. (Adeline, New York)
A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. The officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?" The Scot replies, "No, I didn't realize you still needed one to get in!" (James, England)
How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. (James, England)
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiiiing." (James, England)
A woman woke her husband one night and said, "There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!" "Oh dear," said her husband. "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?" (James, England)
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets towed away! (Derek, Australia)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a umbrella? Fo' Drizzle! (Gary, CA)
I love comic books. If I could have any super power, I would pick the super power that can pick any super, and I would own the X-men, cause they never lose. I would like divide into 50, then control the X-men's mind, while I'm on a remote beach sipping Coronas. And when I get bored, I'll eat the planet. Then I'd go back in time for seconds, cause planets are delicious. Especially the the red ones. [editor's note: Huh?] (Nguyen Matos, Miami Beach)
Sign on a shop: We can repair anything! (Knock hard, bell broken) (A. Nonny Mus, In your computer screen)
Have you heard that the priests can kiss the nuns now? It's true, just as long as they don't get in the habit. (Shar, Minneapolis)
How do you know if you've been on a roll? There's butter on the back of your pants! (Berg, Pearsall)
Two grains of sand are in a desert. One turns to the other and says, "Crowded here, isn't it?" (A. Nonny Mus, In your cupboard)
There was a lady who was obsessed with pink. Her house was pink, her clothes were pink, her tables, wallpaper, bed, sheets, shoes, plates, and backyard were all pink. Everything she owned was pink! One night the pink doorbell rang. She got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door and found a tramp standing there. He said, "I seek hospitality, nobody else would take me in." She replied, "There's three spare rooms, pick one." Then the tramp went off. Later that night the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. She opened the door, and found another tramp there. The tramp asked asked for shelter as well, and took the second spare room. Later that night, the doorbell rang again so she got out of her pink bed, put on a pink robe over her pink nightgown, put on her pink slippers and went through the pink door to reach the pink stairs. She climbed down the pink stairs, walked across the pink carpet to answer the pink door. Another tramp was standing there, and asked the same thing. He took the last spare room. In the morning, the pink lady was making breakfast. She asked the tramps what they wanted to eat. The first tramp wanted cornflakes. The second wanted Fruit Loops and the third wanted cornflakes. The moral of this story: People like cornflakes more than Fruit Loops. (A. Nonny Mus, Behind you)
Sometimes diapers and politicians have to be changed— and for the same reason. (Ted Bache, California)
ertuuterutut0erut tuerut089erure09ut er0!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [editor's note: This is just how it came in, folks. Sometimes you gotta use your imagination.] (rtihyi, bert)
Oxymoron - Woman Driver (Chri$, Scotland)
Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (PTA, Work)
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change...? (John D., Millville, MA.)
How many Paris Hiltons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She grabs hold, and the world revolves around her. (Daniel K, Mishawaka)
What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (Jake M., Ohio)
What's big, grey and can't climb trees? A parking lot. (Mike O'Rourke, England)
Where do pirates like to get gas? ARRRRRRRRCO (Gary, CA)
(In honor of Henny Youngman) I asked my wife for some hot lovin' - she told me to buy a hand warmer. (Frank Longo, Lake City, Florida)
Without geometry, life is pointless. (Ryan Mazonis, Auckland, New Zealand)
An out-of-towner takes a cab in New York and, sure enough, a man of a certain ethnicity is driving it. The cabbie drives straight through the first red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights - and neither do my four brothers!" He then proceeds to drive straight through the second red light they hit. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie explains, "I don't believe in red lights and neither do my four brothers!" Next they hit a green light - and the cab comes to a screeching halt. The out-of-towner exclaims, "Whoa! What are you doing!?". The cabbie turns around and explains "You never know when one of my brothers is coming thru the red light!" (Shashi Malladi, Woodbridge, New Jersey)
"Practice makes perfect", but no one's perfect - so why practice? (Beenish, Lahore, Pakistan)
Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little hoarse! (Joey, California)
How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll do it later. (Charlie, GA)
Rose are red Violets are blue I’m schizophrenic And so am I (Astro, Ontario)
What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (Trent, UT)
Why are lawyers buried 8 feet down instead of 6 feet like everyone else? Deep down, they're really nice guys. (David, CA)
What do you call a pig rolling down a hill? Pork Roll (Krista, Easton PA)
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack (Jake M, Ohio)
Bubba got pulled over by the cops. "Let's see your license," says the cop. "Ain't got one," says Bubba. "Do you have any I.D.?" asks the cop. "About what?" says Bubba. (Jim M, Arkansas)
Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet! (Nate, US)
What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall [editor's note: Boo! But funny!] (Jake M, Ohio)
How many George W. Bushes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, first of all the lightbulb did nothing wrong. Why do you hate freedom? [editor's note: VERY good!] (Jake M., Ohio)
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime? (Jake M, Ohio)
Did you read the news article about the whale? Well, save your time, it blows! (Gary, CA)
There was once a mystical land far away where there was a lever. If you pulled the lever, then the world would end. One day there was a snake named Nate walking along the road, near where the lever was. Nate was highly regarded. A truck driver whose truck had bad brakes came along the road. Nate was there, and the lever was there. The truck driver had to hit one of them. At the last second, he turned and hit Nate, saving the rest of the world. Moral of the story: better Nate than Lever. [editor's note: EXCELLENT!] (Tom, Michigan)
A man of a certain ethnicity finds an old bottle while walking on the beach. He picks it up, and as he's rubbing the sand off of it, a genie pops out. "Well," said the genie, "since you let me out of here, it is my job to grant you three wishes. What would you like for your first wish?" The man thought for a few minutes, and then looked at the genie and said, "I'd like a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry." POOF! A bottle of whiskey appeared in the man's hand. He took several large swigs, and the bottle remained full. "Wow," said the man, "that's really neat! I'll take two more!" (Echostein, Iowa)
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "That will be $2. Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." [editor's note: many people know this joke when the duck buys a condom] (Tony, Kansas)
How come you never see the headline PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY? (Evets, Ontario Canada)
If swimming is so good for your figure, please explain whales! (Evets, Ontario Canada)
Did you hear the joke about the vacuum cleaner? Actually, you don't want to, it sucks. (Scott, Wisconsin)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Pdiddler, CA)
Knock Knock! Who's There? A dumb burglar. (Mark, Texas)
Proverb: If you give a man a fish he can eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will buy a boat and spend the whole day on the lake drinking beer with his idiot buddies. (Mike C, Aurora, IL)
10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizophrenic. (Stephen White, Headlines)
Books you'll never see: "The Most Beautiful Sunsets" - by Helen Keller. "How to Lead a Team to the World Series" - by Barry Bonds. "Ultimate Guide to Acting" - By Keanu Reeves. (Mom, Nowhere)
Why haven't women been to the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning. Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the stove. Why are women's feet smaller then men's? So they can stand closer to the sink. [editor's note: I didn't write these, really. Don't get mad at me!] (Mom, Earth)
The other day my son was asking me about my first car, "What was your first car, Dad?" "It was a '67 bug" "A bug? What's a bug?" He didn't know what a bug was, so then he says, "What did it have under the hood?" I say, "A tire!" They knew how to make them back then. (Mom, A closet)
What do get when you cross Bam-Bam with a ghost? Bamboo (Gary, CA)
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. (Gary, CA)
What's brown and sticky? A stick. ( Gary, CA)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A stick. (Tom, Michigan)
What's a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless. (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
A giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and calls out, "High balls are on me!" (PK, Pahonix)
A guy rushes into a bar. He tells the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of the finest scotch you have!" The bartender sets up ten shot glasses, and the guy puts them down as fast as he's pouring them. The bartender says, "Whoa, pal! That's some serious drinking there!" "You'd drink like this, too, if you had what I have." The barkeep asks, "Really? What do you have?" "Seventy-five cents." (PK, Pahonix)
A blind man was terminating his relationship with his girlfriend. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore!" (Gerry, UK)
What do you do when you start seeing a flying dog eating dinner with a baboon? Stop drinking. (Gary, CA)
An eight-year old is talking to his dad and asks him, "Dad - if you hit the lottery, what would you do?" Dad replies, "Ah yes, Paris, champagne, many beautiful women." "And what if you don't hit the lottery?" "Football, beer, and your mom!" (Noe G., Mascotte, FL)
What do you do if you see a Spaceman? Park, Man! (Nyte, London)
After completing his electrical apprenticeship, a young First Nations fellow returns to his reservation with a desire to use his new skills to do something nice for his people. At the entrance to the reservation, there is a massive log arch topped at the center with a huge moose skull and antlers. Our friend gazes up at this and says aloud, "I'm gonna run some colored Christmas lights up there." So he does this - and becomes the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation. [editor's note: Fantastic!] (Bison Milker, British Columbia)
Can cross-eyed school teachers control their pupils? (Sullikr, Anytown USA)
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts! (Rebecca, Saba Island, Caribbean)
What is Postman Pat called after he retires? Pat. [editor's note: I like this. I don't know why, but I do.] (Pat, Anywhere)
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa????? [editor's note: I don't know why I like this one, but I sure do!] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
What goes around a button? A billygoat. (Dermy, Bethlehem, PA)
How does a first violinist change a lightbulb? He holds it still while the world revolves around him. [editor's note: Obviously LM is a second violinist!] (LM, Portland, OR)
How many juvenile delinquents does it take to change a light bulb? "&#@$ you!" (Laura, formerly of St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)
Customer: "Hey - do you have Peter Stuyvesant in a small box?" Cashier: "Yes, we do." Customer: "Well let him out or he'll suffocate!" (Guttersludge, Cape Town (RSA))
What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (The Dude, Paradise)
A duck walks into a convenience store. It waddles up to the counter and asks, "Ya got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Nope, we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." So the duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" Again, the clerk says, "Look, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store." The duck leaves. Next afternoon the duck comes back again, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any duck food?" The clerk says, "Look here duck, I told you before we don't sell duck food, this is a convenience store. Now if you ask again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves once again. The next afternoon the duck comes back in, waddles up to the counter and asks, "Got any nails?" The clerk says, "No, we don't have any nails." So the duck says, "Okay then, got any duck food?" (T. James, Manitoba, Canada)
Two bananas are sitting along the shore of a river and a turd floats by. The turd says, "Hey guys jump in! The water is warm." One of the bananas leans over to the other and says, "Do you believe this crap?" (Zak Jungers, Morton, IL)
Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (Jesterr, Niagara Falls)
Q: Whadya call a man with banana stuck in each ear? A: Anything you like! He can't hear you! (ba-boom!) ------------------ Thanks for a lovely site. I'll be back, if you'll have me. [editor's note: first time a nice compliment came with a fine joke. Thanks, Barrie!] (Barrie Davis, Guildford, UK)
George Bush Jr., George Bush Sr., and Laura Bush are sitting on a plane. George Bush Jr says, "I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make somebody happy." Then Laura Bush says, "I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Then George Bush Sr, says "I could throw one hundred ones out the window and make one hundred people happy." The pilot turns around and says, "I could throw all three of you out and make everybody happy." (Pappy, California)
Never argue with a woman. Even if you win, she'll make sure you don't enjoy it. (Z, Las Vegas)
The pilot has just finished his little speech but forgot to turn of the micro: "Well, now I'm gonna have myself a Brandy and a cigar and then I'll hit on the new flight attendant." The mentioned flight attendant starts running towards the front cabin but an elderly woman stops her halfway trough: "Wait, dear, you don't have to hurry. He'll first have the Brandy and the cigar." (Phil, New York)
Two Irishmen are in a lifeboat with no hope of rescue. One of them finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie, ready to grant them one wish. One jumps up and shouts, "I wish the ocean were made of Guinness!" *POOF* They're floating in a beer ocean, and the genie disappears. The other Irishman looks at the first and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!" (Starfish, CA)
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T? A teapot. (Gary, CA)
How many penguins does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, penguins never change light bulbs! (Joby, India)
How do you drown a Blonde? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. (Richie Kammer, Washington)
I learned something new today, our town's death rate is one per person. (Wilbur Hart, Clements, CA)
Customer: This coffee tastes like dirt! Waiter: That's odd, it was ground this morning. [editor's note: A classic. Thanks, Pam!] (Pam Olson, Bakersfield, CA)
Paddy and Murphy are walking down a street. Paddy falls down a hole so Murphy asks, "Is it dark down there?". Paddy replies, "I don't know, I can't see." [editor's note: this is a fine joke!] (Jake D, England)
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (Sam Hight, New Zealand)
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they like to cry in the dark. (Walrus, California)
Flight Attendant: "Sorry it is taking so long to take off. It isn't our planes' fault, frankly it's the asphalt." (Andrew, Washington)
Why do men fish? They just do it for the halibut. (Borys T, Alberta, Canada)
What's the difference between a red light and a green light? The color. (Munkey?, Look Behind You)
Another for the "insults" page: "He's not running on all thrusters" (I got that from one of the older Star Trek movies) (Tom Meyers, Mt. Prospect, IL)
Co - Pilot: "Gee, Skip, look down there - those people look like ants!" Pilot: "They are ants, kid - we haven't taken off yet." (Steve Utting, United Kingdom)
The most important piece of advice I'm giving to my son is: When you and your new bride go furniture shopping, YOU pick the couch. You'll be thankful later. (Sunit, Winter Haven, FL)
Women's Rights! [editor's note: I assume this is meant to be an oxymoron.] (Tina Web, Vernon, NJ)
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? One writes the action plan, all the others arrange a symposium called "Coping with darkness." (Harry, Balham, London)
How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't you worry yourself, I'll just sit here on my own in the dark. (Harry, Balham, London)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS!! (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." [editor's note: Why do I think I've lost all the woman readers now?] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there. (Jesse, Pittsburgh)
These 2 (insert your favorite ethnicity here) men were walking thru Central Park in New York. They were both mugged and one of them has his ear cut off! After seeing the doctor, they returned to the park looking for the missing ear. One man said to the other, "I think this is your ear on the ground!" The other said, "It can't be, mine had a pencil behind it." (Larry, Holbrook, New York)
How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb? Three, one to do it and two to say "You're looking huge, man, you're looking huge!" [editor's note: I can picture Hans and Franz doing this one...] (Larry, South Australia)
Yo mama so ugly the government moved halloween to her birthday. (VV, Unimportant)
When a telemarketer calls, or anyone calls, pick up the phone and whisper, "I missed you." [editor's note: Huh?] (Mandy, Grove City)
A guy goes into a McDonalds store 5 minutes before closing. He says, "Do you have any Big Macs left?" The girl says, "Sure, we've got lots." He says, "Well, it serves you right for cooking so many." (Paul Buckberry, Sydney, Australia)
A sign at a photo shop: "Have your kids shot while you wait." (John, Garfield, NJ)
A sign in a cafeteria reads: "Shoes are Required to Eat In The Cafeteria." Apparently, socks can eat whereever they want. (John, Garfield, NJ)
What's yellow and falls out of trees? Monkey vomit. [editor's note: this is just gross. Marginal humor, but I'll let it slide in - pun intended.] (Matt, Melb Australia)
On the path in life, i took I-95. Unluckily for me, there was a crash ahead and it's rush hour. [editor's note: Not too sure why this is funny, but funny is in the eye of the beholder.] (Stephen, Middleboro)
If life had brakes, I would have stopped a long time ago. (Stephen, Middleboro)
How many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, their wives do it. [editor's note: very good addition to the bulb jokes] (VV, Unknown)
A belge and teo americans are on a plane about to crash. One american says to the Belge "if you jump on a cloud you'll jump right back into the plane." The Belge didn't believe him so the american did it and bounced back in the plane. The Belge was convinced and jumped off the plane to his death. The other american turned to the one who jumped on the cloud and said "SUPERMAN YOU BASTARF" [editor's note: I included this as is, the joke is old, but the humor in this is in the delivery. I did not correct spelling - that's why I love it! BASTARF!] (vv, Unimportant)
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. (Lensky, One Liners)
How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? Wave (JP Baker, St.Louis, MO)
A guy goes into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." The guy says, "Wow, what's the worse news?" The doctor says, "You have cancer." The guy says, "Man, that's bad. What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's." The guy says, "Well at least I don't have cancer!" (Gary, California)
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it. (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. (Frank, Cleveland)
Dyslexics untie! (Frank, Cleveland)
Guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!!!" (Remedi, Phoenix, AZ)
Patient: "Doctor, I cant feel my legs!" Doctor: "That's because I've amputated your arms." (Nick, Bristol, UK)
Two turtles decided to go on a camping trip and also decided to bring a basket filled with beer and sandwiches. So the 2 turtles found a perfect spot near a river after walking for 5 days. The 2 turtles were about to eat when one turtle says to the other, "We forgot the bottle opener. One of us has to go back." The other turtle quickly responds, "I'm not going back. If I go, then you're gonna eat all the sandwiches!" The first turtle then replies, "No I won't. Just go." So the 2nd turtle starts to go back. After 2 weeks, the 2nd turtle never came back. The first turtle is so hungry, he decides to eat one of the sandwiches. When the first turtle starts to bite the sandwich, the 2nd turtle quickly yells from a rock, "Ah HAH! I knew you were gonna eat the sandwich!" (Gary, California)
There was a young magician who just got into the practice of magic. But he had a pet bird that would ruin his magic tricks. The bird would say, "There's a card under his sleeve." So one day, the magician and the bird were on a cruise ship. The cruise ship sank and out of all odds, the bird and the magician where in the same boat. After 2 days of awkward silence at sea, the bird finally says, "All right, what did you do with the boat?" [editor's note: Huh?] (Gary, California)
A man is driving along a freeway until he sees a lone indian. The man picks up the indian and they both drive in awkward silence. The indian sees a bag on the floor and asks, "What is that?" The man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The indian replies, "Good trade." [editor's note: a take off on an old Henny Youngman joke.] (Gary, California)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How the heck do you drive this thing?" [editor's note: This is a great joke!] (Gary, California)
She's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and she tried to put it out with a screwdriver. [editor's note: this is a nasty joke. But still pretty good.] (Joel, Iowa)
How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes! [editor's note: I can't believe this isn't on the main "Bulb" page. Good catch, Bub!] (Bub, Los Angeles, CA)
Two guys walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it. [editor's note: surprised this wasn't on the main "bar" page!] (Mark Lee, Guy Walks Into a Bar)
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (Atom, Ionic City, Quark)
Why does a drummer keep his drum sticks on the dash of his car?? So he can park in handicapped spots. [editor's note: substitute your favorite group in this joke.] (Evets, Ontario, Canada)
Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!!! [editor's note: Good!] (Regina, Nome, Alaska)
Why do people love mushrooms? They are such fun guys! [editor's note: a classic] (Gary, California)
Why is an orange orange? So it can roll better. [editor's note: I like it!] (Peter, South Africa)
A drummer walks into a music store and decides to play another instrument. He walks up to the cashier and says, "I would like to buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "Oh, you must be a percussionist!" "How do you know?" "Because that's the radiator!" [editor's note: Pretty good, Atom!] (Atom, Ionic City ,Qark)
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small (two-seater) Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. [editor's note: Nice work, Jim! For you politically correct folks, please substitute any other ethnicity/religion/group where necessary.] (Jim Johnson, Maple Grove, MN)
Three guys who hated pasta were meeting at work. The first guy, Joe, opens his lunch to find spaghetti. The second guy, Jake, opens it to find ravioli. the third guy, Bob, opes it to find regatoni. The three men all say " If I ever get pasta again, I'll jump off the first skyscraper I find." The next day, the three get pasta again, so they each jump off a skyscraper to end their lives. At the funeral, two mothers are crying, but one is not. The two crying mothers ask the unresponsive one "why aren't you crying? Your son is dead!" The seemingly unconcerned mother takes a sip of wine, looks at the others and boldly exclaims: "Why should I care, he packed his own lunch! [editor's note: this is a take-off on a much shorter joke with the same punch line.] (JJ, Montreal)
Difference between making out and making love: 3 seconds. [editor's note: I really don't get this one, but maybe I'm missing something.] (Satyajit Neelam, Hyderabad)
I'm determined only to have a maximum of three kids, because I have heard that one out of four children born in the world is Chinese! (Bruno, San Diego, CA)
It's been a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline. Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom. (Dutch, Escondido, CA)
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Writing a Paper in College
How to write a paper in college/university:
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
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